The Last Post

Look, it’s not you. It’s me.

It’s time to wind down Army of Dave.

I have a plan and, unfortunately, this website doesn’t feature in it.

I thought it only proper that I say goodbye and thank you to everybody who’s read, commented, re-tweeted or shared my ramblings over the last 2 years.

I’ve had fun adventures with cool people that I never would have met without Army of Dave and I’m very grateful for it.

I’m in the process of setting up Aim For The Head, a website for my writing/film-making projects. I should have some pretty exciting news about those projects soon.

I’ll still be blogging elsewhere and news of that will be posted on the new site.

Of course, you can find me on Twitter at @mrdaveturner and I’m still peddling poor quality comedy material at @Its_death and The Death Guide To Life.

It’s been emotional.

Love ya


Army of Dave (Retired)


The Film Geek Pub Crawl

Hello You.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I hope you’re well.

Have I got that multi-million pound book/film deal since I last wrote?


Have I been pissing around on the internet?

Of course.

My Better Half and I are getting married in a few months.

I know. I’m still stunned too.

Traditionally, the bride and groom celebrate the approaching wedding with stag and hen parties.

My Better Half is having a relaxing, sophisticated weekend away in the countryside.

I don’t do relaxing. Or sophisticated. Or the countryside. Not enough boozers there for my liking.

What I like are films, London and pubs.

So, how about a tour of London visiting pubs that have been in films? It’s obvious when you think about it.

I spent many hours researching locations and it was thoroughly depressing to find out that many aren’t around any more.

The Tavistock Arms from ‘Withnail & I’? Bulldozed.

‘The Duke of Albany’, used for exterior shots of the Winchester in ‘Shaun of the Dead’? Apartments.

The Bramley Arms from Quadrophenia and ‘The Lavender Hill Mob’? Gone.

But there are enough left in London to create the following list which I give to you, my fellow beer monsters and booze hounds.

The Windsor Castle


114 Campden Hill Road, Kensington, London, W8 7AR


Because it was used in ‘The Good Shepherd’, directed by Robert De Niro, and ‘Sliding Doors’, directed by Joey from Bread.


The Hoop and Toy


34 Thurloe Place, Kensington, London, SW7 2HQ


It was in Roman Polanski’s ‘Repulsion’. Also, Princess Beatrice drank there. Or was it Eugenie?

Hang on. I’ve just remembered. I don’t care.




132 Lower Marsh, South Bank, London SE1 7AE


Because it was in ‘The Bourne Ultimatum’.

It should be noted that Jason Bourne’s real name is – of course – Dave.





The Globe


London Bridge, London, SE1 9AL


Bridget Jones lived in the flat upstairs in the ground-breaking romantic comedy ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’.

I say ‘ground-breaking’ because it was the first romantic comedy to feature neither romance nor comedy.




The Anchor


Southwark, London SE1 9EF


Tom Cruise and Ving Rhames have a pint here at the end of ‘Mission: Impossible’.

Hang on. Are Scientologists allowed to drink? They might have a few too many and say something stupid.


Also, Samuel Pepys watched the Great Fire of London from this pub. Which he wrote about in his famous work ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’

The Audley


41-43 Mount Street  London W1K 2RX


It was in ‘Match Point’. Your bottom could locate the same space as Scarlett Johansson’s did.

Your chances are probably improved if you’re a girl and you go to the toilet.

Personally, I prefer Woody Allen’s earlier, funnier work.

Nell of Old Drury


29 Catherine Street, London, WC2B 5JS


‘Frenzy: To be a bit like an American sitcom about 6 friends with lovely apartments yet don’t seem to go to work to pay for those apartments.

“Have you seen that TV show ‘Coupling’? It’s a bit Frenzy”‘

Personally, I preferred Alfred Hitchcock’s earlier, funnier work.

The Salisbury


90 St. Martins Lane, Covent Garden, London WC2N 4AP


It was in the Dirk Bogarde film ‘Victim’. To be honest, I’ve not seen the film. But I’m pretty sure I’ve been in this pub.

You know it’s been a good night when you look at a photo of a pub and say ‘I think I’ve been in there’.

And Marianne Faithful did a photo shoot in there in the 60s.

Marylebone Station


Harewood Row  Greater London NW1 6


Because that’s where my train leaves. And there’s a pub inside.

Marylebone is the fame whore of London railway stations. If you see a London railway station in a movie or TV show, it’s probably Marylebone.

In this instance, it was pretending to be Paddington Station in the Beatles movie ‘A Hard Day’s Night’.

Marylebone Station is a lying wanker.

I have also created this Google Map of the route to make your dazed stumbling even easier.

Don’t say I never do anything for you.

Back To The World of Dreams

I am so tired, my eyelashes hurt.

The London Screenwriters’ Festival is over and all I have to show for it is sleep deprivation, a pocket full of other people’s business cards and a devastated bank balance.

Actually, I came away with a lot more.

What have I learned? Well, writers really, really, REALLY like hats.

And I met and caught up with so many smart, funny, kind, passionate people. I’m always staggered by the sense of camaraderie and friendship at these events. There are very few moments in our lives when you can just walk up to a complete stranger and say “Hi! I’m Dave!” without them backing away in a blind panic. (Though, it helps if your name is actually Dave).

Oh, and I *ahem* also picked up a shiny, shiny award:


How awesome is that?!

“It goes with your shiny, shiny head!” the Better Half told me.

I think I may have worked out why writers like hats.

Congratulations also to the other screenplay award winner Milethia and Anil, who picked up the film-makers’ award. It couldn’t have happened to two nicer, more talented people.

So, a big thank you to Chris Jones (Again, just a lovely, lovely human being) and all the crew that made the festival possible.

What am I going to do next? I think it’s time to pull a short screenplay out of the drawer, dust it off and go and shoot it. As Chris Jones said “Be heroic. If it doesn’t terrify you, it’s just going down the road to get a pint of milk.” 

Do I have any regrets? One. I was stood in a queue for coffee and Edgar Wright and Joe Cornish were stood next to me, within touching distance. “Should I be the arsehole who asks for a photo? No. Everyone else seems to be playing it cool. I should too.”

I then told this, frankly rubbish, anecdote to several people. Who then showed me their pictures of them stood with Edgar Wright and Joe Cornish.


On the Saturday evening, I managed to sneak the Better Half into a drinks party. “I’ve never been in a room with so many geeks,” she whispered. And I thought “Yeah. These are my people.”

See you in 2012.

Four Nights In August Awesomeness

Remember the screenwriting contest for the London Screenwriters’ Festival?

Remember how there was a film-making contest based on the winning scripts?

Well, click here to gaze in wonder at the entries.

Twenty three bad boys to point your eyes at. I’m completely stunned by the different tones, styles and themes people have brought to the ‘Everything You Need’ party.

A mahoosive thank you and congratulations to all the casts and crews who took my witterings and made Awesomeness with a side order of Epic from them. You’re all winners.

And to everyone going to the London Screenwriters’ Festival, if you see me wandering around Regents College, slack-jawed and befuddled, please come and say hello. It’ll be lovely to see you x

Everything You Need

The London Screenwriters’ Festival is taking place over the weekend of 28th – 30th October. As I’m so poor church mice throw loose change at me, I entered their Four Nights in August screenwriting contest in an attempt to snag a ticket to the event because – well – it’s an awesome place to go.

Bizarrely and brilliantly, my entry ‘Everything You Need’ (jointly) won. Aside from my Blue Peter badge, I’ve never won anything in my life. I can only hope the prize money comes on a big novelty cheque to make everything complete.

I very nearly didn’t enter. I didn’t hear about the contest until the day before the deadline. The idea for the script had popped into my head fully formed, but I didn’t have any time to sit down and write it. So I went to bed thinking “Oh well, I’ll go to the festival next year”.

But I couldn’t stop thinking about the story. After staring at my ceiling for an age, I left the Better Half sleeping and crept out of the bedroom. I typed the script out, a stream of consciousness in the streetlight glow of a midnight suburbia, hit ‘send’ and finally managed to sleep.

But this isn’t the end of the story of ‘Everything You Need’. No, siree.

Now the One Minute Movie Competition starts.

Shoot my script and win stuff.

The judges include Paul Greengrass and Russell Mulcahy.

Yes. You read that right. Paul Greengrass and Russell Mulcahy. The directors of the Bourne sequels and ‘Highlander’.


(I make no secret of the fact that I regard ‘Highlander’ as one of the landmarks of modern cinema).

So, what are you waiting for?

Here’s a copy of my script to download:

Everything You Need

I can’t wait to see what you incredibly talented lot come up with.

Oh. Hello, There

I know I said I wouldn’t leave you, but I’ve been creative over at The Death Guide To Life. I think there might be some funny stuff there.

There are some jokes about sloths. How many websites can claim that? Apart from If you have a couple of minutes, why not have a read? And then stick a link on Facebook/Twitter/Google+/Your blog/Scribble the URL on a toilet wall? I’ll buy you a puppy*.

Hahahah! Stick a link on Google+. See? I’m funny.

Thanks. You’re still my favourite.

*Offer of Puppy Purchase May Not Be Honoured.

The Army of Dave Guide To Parenthood Part 2

A while ago, I wrote a Guide to Parenthood for those with babies. I now feel it is time to pass on some more wisdom.

As Kids A-C have grown older, it has become important for boundaries to be established. My research (Googling ‘If you can hear me, help me Supernanny’) shows that parents should be creating some ‘House Rules’ to be followed.

I have provided the rules I have come up with. Please feel free to help yourself to them and you too will be able to live in the Orwellian state of fear, obedience & silence that I currently enjoy.