Oh No! It’s An All Time Top 5! Part 3

Boy George confused me as a young child.

“He’s a boy but looks like a girl but he likes boys and girls like boys and boys like girls but he’s got a boy’s name but it can also be a girl’s name like that girl in ‘The Famous Five’ or at least I think she’s a girl and… ooh… Dinner time… Yay! Findus Crispy Pancakes!” is pretty much the constant conversation going around my seven year old head in 1983. 

Yes, younger readers, when I were a lad there was no 24 hour kids television, mobile phones or happy slapping. We had to make do with internal monologues about transgenderism, poor quality meat products and piggy back fights.

I was equally confused by Zoltar from ‘Battle of the Planets’. The nemesis of G-Force (The proper G-Force and not those fluffy bastards in the cinema right now).


The swish dress-sense. The lip gloss. I personally think he had more than a passing resemblance to Marilyn, the androgynous singer who rode in on Culture Club’s coat tails.

I’ve since found out that in the original Japanese version,Kagaku ninja tai Gatchaman‘, Zoltar was – in fact – an hermaphrodite. Those crazy Japanese! 

Which brings me, in a round about sort of way, to:

3. Princess – ‘Battle of the Planets’

princess2Amongst all the gender confusion of my tweenie mind, there was Princess.

She was definitely a girl.

She had lady lumps, she wore pink and wore an ill-advised helmet that made her look like a duck. Phwoar!

Now, I know looking like a duck isn’t a sign of femininity. I just happened to quite like ducks back then.

Oh No! It’s Another All Time Top 5! Part 2

4. Kaylee Frye – Firefly

kaylee04There are a lot of honeys to choose from the Whedon-verse.

My Buffy fixation has now passed after I realised that she’d always be out at night and there wouldn’t be much opportunity for ‘quality time’.

I’d have no chance with Willow (yet, I feel I’d have a chance with Velma from Scooby Doo’?

Faith’s just a nutjob (and I’ve dated enough of them) so the winner is Kaylee from ‘Firefly’.

What do you mean you’ve never watched it? GO AND BUY THE BOX SET NOW!!! It’s smart and funny and interesting and action packed and all the things that I am not. Well, I’m a little bit action packed.

The film spin-off, ‘Serenity’, is everything the new Star Wars films should’ve been. In any given situation, asking yourself the question “What would Mal Reynolds do?” will normally provide the correct answer (That answer is generally either rob it, shoot and/or shag it)

Kaylee, too, is smart and funny and interesting and action packed. She’s sweet and kind and… well… now I just sound like a stalker.

And she’s a great mechanic which, with my history of car ownership, could only be a bonus.

The actress, Jewel Staite, went on to ‘Stargate: Atlantis’, I think. I can’t say for sure as I have an aversion to all things Stargate after being cornered by a rabid fan in a pub once who proceeded to tell me of every. Single. Star. Wars. Reference. In. Every. Single. Episode. Ever.

The man actually had the Stargate army regiment patches on his jacket. A grown man! I presume his mother sewed them on.

Yes, I am aware that I possibly shouldn’t be throwing stones in this particular glass house.

Am I annoying you yet?

I Can Help You Lose Weight!

advertTWO easy tips to a sexy stomach? TWO?

Forget cowboys like this site. I can do it in ONE!

1. Eat Less Cake.

You will all receive invoices in due course.

Are they actually the same person?

Oh No! It’s An All Time Top 5!

I vaguely remember mentioning that I’d do another All Time Top 5 a while ago. Possibly before I started blathering on about Chocolate Hob Nobs.

But what to do? What’s going to annoy the most people? Well, an All Time Top 5 Women in SciFi/Fantasy, of course! Absolutely no good can come of this one!

5. Dale Arden – Flash Gordon


There are three women who are responsible for my rampant heterosexuality. Three women who, as a young boy, I would watch and have feelings for. Strange, new feelings that I didn’t understand, but felt guilty about anyway.

One was Janet Ellis, the second will feature later and the third was Melody Anderson.

 ‘Flash Gordon’ had everything. The Mighty Brian Blessed. Peter Duncan dying a slow horrible death. Timothy Dalton sporting the finest moustache in cinema history. Some bloke playing Flash Gordon. And it was all camper than a row of pink tents.

But I only had eyes for Dale Arden. And then, from her lips, came one of my favourite lines ever: “Flash, I love you. But we only have fourteen hours to save the Earth!”

Dale Arden. Sexy AND specific. 

Melody then went on to the television show ‘Manimal’. It only lasted for eight episodes and was – as the kids of today would say – Proper Fucked Up.

The basic premise was that Simon MacKorkindale played a crime fighter with an ability to change into any animal. Sounded great on paper. Looked shit on screen.

They ran out of ideas REALLY quickly. I don’t know if Manimal changed into a shark, but if he did, the show jumped him by about the third episode.

I distinctly remember Melody being caught in quicksand and Manimal changing himself into a snake so she could pull herself out. That was the highpoint of the episode. The hero turned himself into a makeshift rope.


Melody left the business we call show to become an addiction counsellor.  She wouldn’t be able to cure my addiction to her.

Dave is Good. Dave is Wise.

Daves are good. Daves are wise. Daves are your mate. They always stand their round in the pub and dispense good advice.

Do you have a burning question about life? Why not send it in via the Contact Dave page and I will arrange for a Dave of currently indeterminate identity to answer your question.

Or are you a Dave? Do you know someone called Dave? Would you like to be an honourary Dave? Maybe we should do a gallery of Daves.

Just email your pictures to info@armyofdave.com and I’ll get it set up. If you include the slogan “Army of Dave” in the picture, you can be the title!

In the meantime, here’s a picture of Billy Joel that I’ve crudely made to look like a penis:


Star Trek Lied To Me

Captain Kirk was awesome. An intergalactic pick up artist. He cut a swathe through the female population of the universe. Whatever species, no matter how weird, he’d do them. “You don’t look at the mantelpiece when you’re stoking the fire” he told Spock in a scene deleted from “Balance of Terror”

And all the while, that Leia bird wouldn’t let Han Solo put his hand up her frock once.

Star Trek promised me a socialist utopia where the only currency was knowledge and we would explore the universe as one people teaching aliens this thing we humans call a kiss.

But Star Trek fucking lied to me. This is the future: 

Mechanically recovered chicken carcass on a stick. A meat lollypop.

“People like meat,” the manufacturer thought. “People like lollypops. It’s a no-brainer.”

As was I for purchasing it.

And – yes – you should be concerned about the condition of my finger nails.

Who Makes Steve Guttenberg a Star? We Do! We Do!

There’s a recession on. You need cheering up. A comedy movie would help with that. Eight comedy movies would be even better. But you have no money. What do you do? Have you considered shoplifting? 

Tesco have already thought of that:


They’ve alarmed the Police Academy boxed set.

I know they say that shoplifting is sometimes a cry for help. In this case it would be true on many different levels.

The Karate Kid boxed set next to it has no such protection. Stick that up your jumper instead.