Breakfast: X-Factor Style!!!

When I grow up, I want to hire a funk band and be followed by them constantly so that I can pretend I’m John Shaft. Like John Shaft, I’m a complicated man but no-one understands me but my woman.

But, until this day, I – along with millions of other people – will continue to use my iPod to compile the soundtrack to my life.

In fact, I’ve hit upon a way to make the little day-to-day decisions a bit more interesting and dramatic.

Have you got any Snow Patrol / Coldplay / Elbow on your iPod? When it comes to make a choice, put a song on that they’d use at the end of  X-Factor or Masterchef. ‘Run’ or ‘Yellow’. Something like that.

Consider your options through the dramatic tension part and then make your decision at the point the song’s dynamic gets louder. You know. The bit where Greg the Veg Seller would go “Keith, you’re cooking for us tomorrow.”

Now, in my head, breakfast time goes like this:

breakfastdum dum dum

dum dum dum

dum dum dum

dum dum dum

dum dum dum

dum dum dum

dum dum dum

dum dum dum

dum dum dum

dum dum dum

dum dum dum

dum dum dum

dum dum dum

dum dum dum

dum dum dum

BLAM! BLAM!

BLAM! BLAM!

BLAM! BLAM!

BLAM! BLAM!

BLAM! BLAM!

BLAM! BLAM!

BLAM! BLAM!

Colonel Cob – An Explanation, Please

Nick Jr. run a campaign to turn kids onto healthy eating. It’s called – clumsily – Nicktrition.

One of the characters is called Colonel Cob. He’s a cob of corn with a stiff upper lip. He pulled himself up by his bootstraps to the higher echelons of the army.

IMG_0064

Errr… Is it me, or does he appear to have been awarded the Iron Cross?

Dave – Slowly Killing Himself So You Don’t Have To

Do you listen to the Bugle podcast? You should do. It’s very funny.

Anyway, they mentioned something called the Doubledown sandwich. It’s only available from KFC in some states of America. It’s a bacon and cheese sandwich.

It contains no bread.

kfc-doubledown1

Yes. It’s cheese and bacon between two pieces of fried chicken.

On hearing of this, I became slightly obsessed. I had to have one. This is how the conversation between the Better Half and I went:

Me: “I think we need to go to the States so I can have one.”

B.H.: “That’s just silly. You could easily make one yourself.”

Me: “You know you shouldn’t say stuff like that to me, don’t you?”

B.H.: “Yes.”

Technically, in my brain, that was a dare.

Saturday night. The Better Half was out and the kids were in bed. I was all set.

My first tip is make sure there’s nothing else to eat in the house. That way you can’t – ahem – chicken out.

Actually, there was quiche in the fridge. I’m pretty secure in my masculinity but not man enough to sit at home alone on a Saturday night, drinking wine, watching ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ and eating quiche. I might as well have a bubble bath and listen to some Josh Groban. My bloke licence would be revoked.

I had to consider what cheese to use. I could fly the British flag and go with the mature cheddar, or keep it real and use the the Kraft cheese slices. Or possibly do something with Cheesestrings. I then considered the possibility that we have too much cheese.

I felt that I was already deviating from the brief using crispy chicken rather than fried chicken, so I went with the cheese slices. So the recipe is as follows:

1. Bake the 2 pieces of chicken.

2. Fry the bacon.

3. Put bacon and cheese between the chicken.

4. Put the coroner on stand by.

IMG_0071That noise you can hear are my arteries hardening just thinking about it.

And just to prove that I went through with it:

IMG_0074

Why does my hand look so massive in that picture?

Next week, I shall be eating a pound of lard between two other pounds of lard.

Dave of the Week 21/09/2009

Chewbacca

chewbacca

I think ‘Star Wars’ needs to be re-evaluated in these Post-9/11 times. However you look at it, Emperor Palpatine was the democratically elected leader of the Senate.

Then along comes the Rebel Alliance. In what can only be described as a Jihad, they decide that they’re going to run the Galaxy and run around blowing up anything they can. The leaders of the Rebellion have so much blood on their hands, they make Al Queda look like Al Jarreau.

“Use the political process, Luke!”. That’s what Obi-Wan should’ve told him.

Hmmm. I appear to have gone off topic before I’ve even got onto it. Which must be some kind of record.

My “Dave of the Week” is Chewbacca. Everyone needs a friend like Chewbacca. He’d rip that Samwise Gamgee’s arms out of his sockets and beat him with the sticky ends for a start.

He helped Yoda escape in ‘Revenge of the Sith’. He rebuilt C3PO in ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ when nobody really wanted him to. He saved EVERYBODY’S arse in ‘The Return of the Jedi’. He thoroughly embodies the spirit of Dave.

Though, to be honest, I’ve never personally completed the Kessel Run in under 12 parsecs. I once drove from Milton Keynes pretty quickly, though.

But – more importantly – what’s wrong with this picture?:

award Why hasn’t Chewbacca got a medal? He did as much work as Han Solo (which, when you think about it, wasn’t much at all) but he doesn’t get any praise.

And why? Because the Rebel Alliance is obviously Wookie-ist. Bastards.

You know that bit where he growls at the end of the award ceremony? That’s Kashyyyk for “wankers”.

Dragon’s Den: Star Date 42135.6

caankirkdragon

I’m Not Here Today…

…I’m over here

I know. It’s like I’m the freakin’ Scarlet Pimpernel, or something.

In the meantime, here’s a picture of a badger:

badger-3

Milli Vanilli: Rock Band!

millivaniilirockband

After the massive success of ‘The Beatles: Rock Band’, we bring you a new addition to the Rock Band family!

‘Milli Vanilli: Rock Band’! 

Milli Vanilli are legends that bestrode the late 80’s like Pop Colossuses. Or is it Colossi? I forget.

Includes all their hits!

Girl, You Know It’s True

Girl, I’m Going To Miss You

Girl… Erm…

…You Know. The Other One. It might’ve contained the word ‘Baby’?

It’s better than Plug’N’Play because there’s nothing to plug in!

whiskhairbrush

Just use the whisk and hairbrush that come free with the game and mime along to hit after hit after hit!

Coming Soon: Ashlee Simpson Expansion Pack!