I’m Back, Baby!

Apologies for going dark for the last week. Did you miss me?

For those who don’t know, I was in at the International Screenwriters’ Festival in the illustrious grounds of Cheltenham Ladies College. If those walls could talk. Just think of all the stories of lesbian experimentation…

10 Things I Learned This Week:

1. Cheltenham is a town made almost entirely of traffic lights.

2. Marc Price – the writer/director of ‘Colin’ – is The Nicest Man on Earth. Even when I was banging on to him about ‘Superman Returns’ at half two in the morning in the hotel bar.

3. Writers are to a man and woman, funny, intelligent, open, charming people. I feel I made a lot of new friends.

4. James Moran is also The Nicest Man on Earth. Even when, over dinner, a group of us came up the with meta-bromance ‘Being James Moran’ in which a man decides to become gay when he realises that he is the same size as James Moran and a relationship with him would mean he could double his wardrobe.

5. You see, the problem with ‘Superman Returns’ is that the action sequences are merely watching a man lift steadily heavier objects.

6. I get terribly homesick now and have missed the Better Half and Kids A – C so much I actually had to leave the festival early…

7. I can name the five largest cities in Texas (Actually, that came from the pub quiz I did last night rather than the festival. But I was so proud of myself, I thought I’d tell you all)

8. People like badges.

9. Eating in a TGI Friday’s on your own is the single saddest task a human being can undertake.

10. I very much enjoyed saying the word “knob” on the stage of Cheltenham Ladies College assembly hall.

Normal service will resume from now on.


Be a Part of the Army of Dave!

Er… I think there might be a few new members of the Army of Dave today.

Hello! Please help yourself to drinks and cheese’n’pineapple on sticks. The toilets are just through there and the coats go in Kid C’s bedroom.

Yesterday was a good day. The Nick Griffin drinking game received over 10,000 hits and the response was overwhelmingly positive. People seem to understand what Evelyn Beatrice Hall almost said:

“I may not agree with what you say, but I will fight to the death your right to say it. But I will also fight for my right to take the piss.”

We were mentioned on the Guardian website. They even referred to me as a writer. Being a pinko-bed-wetting-bleeding-heart-white-male-middle-class-guilt-ridden-Guardian-reading-liberal, this made me do a little sex wee.

Thank you to everyone who re-tweeted, blogged, posted on forums, emailed, commented and generally spread the love. I am grateful, warm and fuzzy.

I won’t dwell on the car crash television as I’m sure it’ll be documented by far more erudite people than I. Suffice to say that Bonnie Greer pwned Griffin.

I won’t dwell because there are far more pressing issues to hand.

The badges. They’re here.

Wanna have a look?


If I could work out how to spell that drooling noise Homer Simpson makes, you’d be reading it now.

Now we deal with the logistics of passing these out to you guys.

If I know you socially or you’re going to the Screenwriters’ Festival, I’ll give them out in person.

If you’d like one posted to you, click on the ‘Contact Me’ tab at the top of the page, email me your address and one will be inexpertly stuffed into an envelope.

Now for the awkward part.

I don’t want to charge for them because – well – it’s a form of advertising for me. But I am currently between jobs and the Better Half is a lot harder than me. Trust me, I’ve seen her give birth. She could take me easy.

So, I’m taking the Radiohead approach to things and set up a little ‘Donate’ button at the bottom of the page. If you’d like to chuck in a few pence to help with the postage costs that would be great. Thank you. If not, that’s equally as great.

Phew. Got through that bit without too much squirming.

Love to you all


Nick Griffin Question Time Drinking Game

I generally try and avoid politics on the interweb. Whenever I do, I resort to childish name calling or immature pranks.

But when I discovered that Nick Griffin, leader of the BNP, was to appear on Question Time (Thursday 22nd October 2009 at 10:35 BBC1), I considered writing a thoughtful piece on whether we should give a platform to someone who would deny us that same freedom of speech.

Then I thought “Fuck it” and decided it would be more fun to play a drinking game while watching the programme.

I suggested the idea to people on Twitter and this list has been compiled with the glorious help of @nuttycow, @unslugged, @flukewoman, @piersb, @WGallagher, @davidskynner, @WellTold, @adamfishpoet, @matt_davies and @antonvowl

Drink One Finger If:

Nick Griffin mentions any of the words or phrases:


“Ordinary People”

“Democratically Elected”




“Our Troops”


Somebody in the panel or the audience receives a round of applause for calling him bigoted/foolish/a Nazi tossbag/insert your own amusing but accurate insult here.

Drink Two Fingers If:

Somebody asks why Nick Griffin keeps banging on about Dunkirk when we lost that one.

Nick Griffin is accused of being racist

Nick Griffin accuses that person of being a Stalinist

Drink Three Fingers If:

Nick Griffin moans about how television isn’t as good as it used to be. What happened to ‘The Black & White Minstrel Show’ and ‘Love Thy Neighbour’?

He breaks into a version of ‘I Will Survive’

Down All Drinks If:

He attempts a comedy foreign accent.

Feel free to add your own!

Jedi Masterchef

jedimasterchef2Cheese and Pineapple on Lightsabre? That’s a party!

200th Post Celebrity Special

Gary-Lineker-Danielle-BuxHello. Gary Lineker here. You know. Golden Boot winner. No bookings. Nicest man in football. Farts don’t stink.

Anyway, I’ve taken a break from spending time with my Hot New Wife to write this special 200th blog post.

It’s probably a good thing too as Danielle is in a bad mood with me.

“Gary,” she said last week. “It’s just all sport with you. The football. The golf. You’re obsessed. You spend more time with that Alan Hansen than you do with me.”

“You’re right,” I agreed. That night I booked a table for two at eight o’clock.

But by nine o’clock, things were ten times worse.

She hadn’t potted a single fucking red.

Zombie Masterchef


This has been an Army of Dave / The Better Half co-production.

Zombie Fact! #5

Millions of lives could be saved if more people were aware that – in the absence of available brains – zombies are equally happy with cheese and pineapple on sticks.


What? They’re zombies.

I never said they were classy.