The Maddest Reader Comment Ever?

If the Daily  Mail is James Blunt, then the Daily Express is James Morrison. Not quite as successful, it’s the paper for those that think the Daily Mail is a little too cutting edge and ‘with it’.

Here’s today’s front page:

I was disappointed that they didn’t write ‘Experts’ in sarcastic quote marks.

I’ll pass over the now traditional deliberate misunderstanding between the difference of  “short-term regionalised weather patterns” and “global climate over several years”. If you want, you can read it here.

No, the good stuff – as always – is in the Readers’ Comments section.

Yes, I know I shouldn’t have done it. My brain now hates me.

But among the usual howls of impotent rage, complaints about tax and talk of scientists’ “nefarious plans” (Do they think they’re all wannabe Bond villains?) was this little beauty:

My first thought was “Well, pirates WOULD probably appreciate climate change. That would mean higher sea levels. More sea. They live on boats. It’s just common sense.”

Then I was drawn to the statement “the polar bear is in the image of how we must stop our folly… yet numbers are said to be on the increase?. you can adopt one now”

“That’s a rather strange argument”, I thought. Adopting animals is just a cute way for charities to raise funds.

Then it hit me.

He thinks there are some spare polar bears.

He believes that if you phone the number on the advert to adopt one, they’ll deliver one to your door on the back of a trailer. Dial-A-Bear.

I know I make sweeping statements like “Daily Express readers still point at the fuckin’ moon” but they really don’t help themselves at times.

Shit! Not Even Thatcher Tried That!

Was anybody else as confused by the front page of the Times as I was this morning?

“Christ on a bike!” I thought, “The Falklands dispute must’ve seriously escalated if the fucking Cybermen are involved.”

Then I saw the whole page and must admit to being more than a little disappointed:

Breaking News: Downing Street Bullying Ringleaders Revealed:

The C.I.A. – It’s Educational!

I often use the interweb for research. No, really, officer. It was research.

Today I was researching a joke. Do you want to hear it?

Tough. Here it is:

“I just bought a Greek urn.”

“What’s a Greek urn?”

“On average, about 10% less than the last fiscal year.”

It’s called satire, right?

Anyway, on my cyber-travels I discovered the CIA World Factbook

Yes. Apparently the CIA have some facts.

Disappointingly, they do not describe the French as “Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys”.

Full of national pride, I decided to see what the CIA would have to say about the United Kingdom. I was confronted by the single most depressing description ever of this great nation:

Slightly smaller than fucking Oregan.

Not even “Slightly bigger than New Hampshire”? As descriptions go, it’s up there with “Mostly Harmless” or “Slightly Less Shit Than Coldplay”.

Undeterred by this slight on my homeland, I noticed that there was a seach facility. So I availed myself of it:

Did I mean wakeboarding?

Being overly optimistic there, aren’t we, Mr Secret Agent Man? Yes. I’ve come to the CIA website to find out the US Goverment’s policy on wave based recreational pursuits.

OK. I’ll play along. What is the CIA’s position on wakeboarding?

Oh.

If I’m not here by the end of the weekend, avenge my death.

Irony Bypass

The BBC Have Your Say site is currently asking the question “Should Newspapers Have The Right to Be Offensive?”

This is the most recommended comment:

Possibly recommended by people who spend their time posting comments on Have Your Say about how anything that doesn’t conform to their own world view offends them.

Actually, are these people hiring? I’d be quite good at it.

“Rar! Rar! Rar! The problem with the younger generation is that they never went through what we did! The trashing of the Blue Peter Garden was our Vietnam! Howl of Impotent Rage!”

Army of Dave Cultural Pilgrimage

I’ve said before that I have a grudging respect for people with families that embark on affairs. As part of a SITCOM family (Single Income. Three Children. Oppressive Mortgage.), I don’t have the time or energy to keep the Better Half happy, let alone two or more. She’s already aware that when the mid-life crisis hits, I’m going for the impractical sports car rather than the impractical pneumatic blonde.

As well as the full time job, being pushed around by Kids A- C and trying to work out WHY MY FUCKING KITCHEN LIGHTS DON’T WORK PROPERLY (not a euphemism), I’ve embarked on another script while The Agent tries to wring money from production companies for my previous efforts.

Which is a roundabout way of explaining why there hasn’t been a blog post for a few days.

And that I need a drink.

So I’ve had an idea: The Army of Dave Cultural Pilgrimage. The “Where” is easy. The “When” and “Who” less so.

Where? The post box on the corner of Baker Street. London. England. Home of Danger Mouse. And of a few good pubs down the road.

Who? Naturally, you are all cordially invited. It is not limited to ‘Daves’.

When? What do you fancy? Afternoon/evening session? Evening session? Let me know either on the comments or over on Twitter.

Sound good? When we come to a consensus (and I get permission from the Better Half), I shall do the usual Facebook Group and stuff like that.

 (For the benefit of clarity – and as the Better Half reads this – I would not embark on an affair as I am deeply in love with said Better Half. She bought me tickets for “Star Wars in Concert”. That’s why she’s the Better Half)

Army of Dave Valentine’s Special

“I found this pretty little thing in downtown Kabul.”