Conservatives Reveal New Campaign Poster

The Conservative Party denied they were scaremongering with their new campaign poster.

“All we’re saying is if you vote for the Liberal Democrats, you better go out and buy a shovel,” said George Osbourne. “I’ll be alright. I’ve not got much up top for the zombie hoardes to chew on.”

(I promised you zombies. I have delivered.)

UKIP: FFS

I quite like the way that my local UKIP candidate is attempting to woo me by sounding like a slightly pissed elderly relative. It’s strangely comforting.

I’m hoping that he’ll soon be banging on about how it were all fields around here once and how you can’t use the word “gay” anymore.

The Third And (Thankfully) Last Debate Drinking Game

Amnesty International phone me up last night to see if I’d increase my direct debit payments to them.

“I’ve been paying these monthly deposits for nearly a year and I’ve still not received my political prisoner,” I told the guy on the end of the phone.

He was not amused.

Anyway, as you can tell, as a “comedy” writer commenting on the election, I’m finding it hard to come up with something amusing as the entire farce has become a parody of itself all on its own.

So I’ve re-written the drinking game. Which is becoming my version of Meatloaf’s ‘Bat Out Of Hell”.

Tonight’s debate is on the BBC, hosted by the Awesome David Dimbleby.

The theme is apparently “The Economy”. But we all know that’s probably not going to be the case.

Drink One Finger For The Following

If these words or phrases are mentioned by any participant:

“Bigot”

“Spigot”

“Lester Piggot”

“Double Dip”

“Dib Dab”

“Black Jack”

“Is this thing on?”

“Hard working families”

“Vince Cable”

“Hung parliament”

“Scaremongering”

Any obviously rehearsed bad play on words (e.g. “It’s not a manifesto FOR the people. It’s a “manifest no” FROM the people.”)

Nick Clegg refers to “Gordonbrown” or “Davidcameron” rather than “Gordon” or “David” (via @FCZeRoberto)

Drink Two Fingers For the Following

Anyone asks what the plural of “Dimbleby” is. (Drink one more finger if somebody correctly points out that it’s “Dimblebii”)

Gordon Brown says “While I was in Mrs Duffy’s house, I went through her CD collection. I’ll tell you this much. There ain’t much Stevie Wonder. You know what I’m sayin’?”

“George Osbourne has to take his shoes and socks off if he has to count above 10.”

Drink Three Fingers For the Following

“Fifty grand? Fifty fucking grand? I’ll let Gordon call me a “fucking arsehole” for half that.”

Drink Everything You Can Lay Your Hands On

Gordon starts an anecdote with “I met this bigoted woman the other day…”

Vote Match

Are you aware of the Vote Match website?

It’s a handy tool.

It asks you a series of questions and, based on your responses, provides a breakdown of the political parties most in tune with your own personal principles and priorities.

As you can see from the screenshot below, I appear to be a lot more right-wing than I originally thought:

Things That Disappoint Me

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I’m sorry I’ve not been around for a few days. I’ve been coming to terms with the unremitting awfulness of Transformers 2. I quite liked the original film. It was loud. It was fun. Shit got blown up.

But the sequel is Michael Bay wanking into a CGI sock for two and a half hours. It got to a point where I don’t think the Better Half minded Megan Fox’s slow motion jiggling as it was the one thing stopping me stabbing my own eyes out with a fork.

Anyway, now that I’ve managed to work through my issues, back to the election.

I’ve noticed that there is a lot of footage of Cameron making speeches or walking around in front of a group of “youths”. Like this:

Sleeves rolled up. Strident. It’s obvious his people are trying to make him look like a shiny Obama.

I tweeted this last night:

And it became apparent that some people were unaware as to what a “Nescafe Handshake” is.

One of the purposes of this website is to inform, educate and entertain. I’m like a one-man BBC except you don’t have to put up with “The Life of Riley”.

A “Nescafe Handshake” is a euphemism for the “Wanker!” gesture. It derives from a series of adverts in the 80s.

For the sake of clarity, watch what Sarah Greene does with her hand about 14 seconds into this clip:

Text book.

After watching this, I was overwhelmed by a sense of sadness. Mine is the last generation that will use the phrase “Nescafe Handshake”. Soon Gareth Hunt (Also slang. But of the rhyming variety) will disappear from living memory and a part of the English language will be lost to the ages.

A bit like the Dinobots.

(See? It all links.)

That BNP Manifesto In Full

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As you may be aware, the BNP launched their manifesto today.

For the sake of balance, I feel it’s only fair that I reprint it here in its entirity:

Because Fact Into Doubt Won’t Go

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Facts are a problem. Facts change over time as situations change and more evidence becomes available.

Opinions, on the other hand, can be absolute. You can help yourself to one and it could never change until the day you die.

In this age of 24 hour rolling news, satellites and the internet, facts have become a problem mostly for the newspapers.

For example, one morning I bought a newspaper. I didn’t have time to open it until that evening and I sat down to read an article on how the opposition party in the Kenyan election were on course for a landslide victory.

I was reading this while watching a news report on the BBC on how the incumbent government had  swept back in to power and the electorate were rioting.

In the space of six hours, the article in front of me had become redundant. Probably even sooner if I’d checked a 24 hour news channel or online.

Previously, the facts presented by the paper would’ve been true for at least 24 hours while the reports were filed and the next day’s issue available.  

So as people look for the facts elsewhere, newspapers have to replace these facts with immutable opinion.

So, this morning, the Express are hailing Cameron as last night’s victor:

While, on the other hand, the Mirror are saying this:

I know. We need a tie-breaker. We’ll go to the paper of the working man. What does the Star say?

Right. That’s it. I give up. I’m going to the pub.