A Second Email To Sky

Remember I emailed Sky Television CEO Jeremy Darroch earlier this week?

Well, I’ve got the afternoon off work and I was a bit bored so I got in touch again. Yes, you’re right. My partner does put up with a lot:

To: Jeremy Darroch

Subject: Sky Signal Problems

Hi Jeremy

Sky customer number XXXXXXX here again.

I thought I’d just give you an update on the situation I emailed you about earlier this week.

The good news is the engineer came on Wednesday, fitted a new satellite dish and I now have people again on my telly.

He did leave the old dish lying in the garden, but this isn’t a problem. I’m of Belgian descent and we’re a resourceful breed. Just look at that Tin Tin. He had mad skillz.

So I’ve fitted it to my kids’ play house:

The awesomeness of this is two-fold.

1) All the other kids in the street will be crazy jealous and this will increase my children’s social standing at birthday parties.
2) I can probably cancel the Kids Television Package and they can make believe they’re watching ‘Dora The Explorer’ in the garden. Mind you, I’ll miss the Big Red Chicken.

Stay in touch.

All the Best

Dave Turner

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Why I Like Apple

Because they annoy the Daily Mail:

Still, it’s a bit rich for the Mail to accuse people of being smug bores.

I shall now spend the day holding my iPhone very close to my face and pretend I have an iPad.

Zombie Top Trumps

So you’ve barricaded yourself in the shopping mall. You’ve got food and a shovel. Shut out, the zombie hordes are pathetically clawing at the window of Superdrug. You’ve earned a bit of a break.

But what to do for entertainment? There’s no “Cash in the Attic” after the Zombie Apocalypse. And you’re burning the contents of Waterstones for warmth. Apart from that Justin Bieber biography that you’ve put aside to get you through the dark lonely nights.

Justin understands. Justin takes the pain away.

In preparation, why not download and keep these handy Zombie Top Trumps cards? The game has been carefully designed by top level experts in the undead to accurately reflect the zombies’ available skill set.

Print out as many cards as you like. It makes no difference. With the input of leaders in the field of irony, the game is guaranteed to last forever with no winner emerging, thus act as a metaphor for the futility of your existence.

Really, you might as well put the shotgun in your mouth now.  

Download The Full Set:

Zombie Top Trumps

An Email To Sky

In lieu of anything funny, here’s an email I sent to Sky CEO Jeremy Darroch today. I was aiming for ‘chummy’ but I think I overshot and landed squarely on ‘arsehole’.

“To Jeremy Darroch

Subject: Sky Signal Problems

Dear Jeremy

I am Sky customer number XXXXXXXXX and I thought I’d drop you a line about my experience with Sky over the last 17 months.

First, we need to talk about your Sky+ boxes. I’ve lost count of the number we had in the first year, but I’m sure your records will show exactly how many. Some seemed to have reception problems and some switched off at various random intervals.

Recently, while watching ‘The Apprentice’, I turned to my partner and asked “How does Alan Sugar make any money these days? Amstrad haven’t made anything commercially successful for about 20 years.”

Then I remembered that Amstrad make Sky+ boxes. You and I are putting his kids through college.

I didn’t sign on for that, Jeremy.

Though I lost an unwatched season of ‘24’, lots of ’30 Rock’ and plenty of kids television that I had on various hard drives, we finally got our hands on a working box. All was good.

Then summer came and we kept losing channels. There may have been another Sky+ box and another few quid from you to Lord Sugar.

Then a breakthrough. An engineer nailed the problem.

“It’s your neighbour’s tree. Now it’s got leaves, it’s in the way of the satellite and the dish.”

I don’t know if you’re aware of ‘line of sight’, but it’s okay. I’ve got it covered. I’ve watched “Independence Day”.

I’ve drawn you some diagrams:

It should work like this –

But this is actually happening:

“So you can just move the dish a bit higher and it’s sorted?” we asked.
“No, can’t do that. Health and safety. A bloke died falling off a ladder,” replied the engineer.
“Oh. That’s sad. We’re having some scaffolding put up in the next few months. Could you do it then?”
“No problem. Give us a call when you have it up and we’ll move it for you.”

We muddled through with intermittent signal problems over the next few months until the scaffolding arrived and we called Sky out again.

“The previous engineer told us that he couldn’t move the dish because of health and safety.” We explained to the new engineer.
“That’s rubbish,” said the new engineer. “We can move the dish any time.”
“Oh, that’s a tad annoying,” We replied. “Can you move it now then?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“You’ve got scaffolding up.”
“Right,” we smiled politely.
“I can turn the dish a little bit for you, if you like, see if that helps?”

And it did help. Until Friday.

The good news is that, despite the harsh winter, my neighbour’s tree is doing really well. We can’t get any channels now.

Okay, we can get E4, but that’s not a real channel, more a ‘Friends’ box set on an infinite loop.

I phoned Sky up again Friday evening and they said the earliest they could get an engineer out to move the dish is Wednesday.

Here’s the view of the telly this morning when I was hoping against hope that I could watch the finale of ‘Lost’:

Admittedly, it was ‘Lost’. I’d probably have about as much idea of what was going on if I’d just stared at the blue screen for two and a half hours, than if I’d actually watched the episode.

Still, it would’ve been nice to have the option.

The kids miss watching Peppa Pig. I miss them watching Peppa Pig. Them watching Peppa Pig means I don’t have to ask questions like “Who’s put jam all over my DVDs?”

For the record, your staff on the end of the telephone have all been first rate. I once even spoke to Shay Given’s cousin, which was the highlight of what was a very dull day.

Still, it would have been nice to have had the equipment installed correctly or the issues sorted out way back when they first started. I’ve lost the ability to watch a lot of programming over the last few months.

So fingers crossed for Wednesday when hopefully I’ll have all the channels I pay for.

Thanks for your time

Best Regards

Dave Turner”

Apparently Sky have phoned to chat to me about it, but I was at work…

UPDATE:

I sent them a second email

Scientists Playing God Blah Blah Blah

This morning, I cast my eye over the newspapers while in the garage and saw this:

“I bloody knew it!” I shouted. “I always reckoned Nicole Kidman looked a bit weird and plasticky, but people put it down to the botox. But, no, she was built for Tom Cruise by Scientologists in the underground lab they share with the Lizard People!

‘Maverick Scientist’? Wasn’t Maverick Tom Cruise’s call sign in ‘Top Gun’? It all fits! We’re through the looking glass here, people!”

The other customers tried their best not to make eye contact. Then I realised it was two separate stories:

And apparently Texaco no longer require my custom in any of their retail outlets.

And if any scientists read this, while you’re pissing around with “artificial life”, I am still without a jetpack.

Priorities.

Would You Like Some Awesome?

Apologies for the lack of posts the last couple of days. I’ve been busy with “The Novel” and wrestling cheese’n’pineapple on sticks off of Kid A, whose birthday it was yesterday.

Normal service will be resumed. Possibly involving Zombie Wombles, thanks to @carter_andrewj‘s inspiration.

In the meantime, would you like to see something made almost entirely of win? I was pointed towards it by @andyculstar.

You Had Me At “Poke Dave”

On the suggestion of Phil of Evilflea fame, the International Romantic Comedy Day now has a presence on Facebook. Like all the cool kids do. 

You can find it here: http://tinyurl.com/2ve6q4l

Some utterly charming people have already signed up. It would be awesome if you would like to as well.

In the meantime, here’s a picture I found on my phone the other day. I have no idea what it is or why I took it.

I can only assume it’s a CBeebies production of “Brokeback Mountain”.