Top 5 Posts for August

1. The Daily Mail Embraces The Internet

2. The Skittlebrau Project

3. Crap From My Phone

4. BBC Reporter In “Copy Cat” Bin Incident

5. Student Advice From Twitter

Enjoy.

The Most Inappropriate Cover Version Ever?

Thanks to @ManAboutCouch for pointing me in the direction of this awesome example of ‘spectacularly missing the point’.

As one commenter wrote “I think this is exactly what Ian Curtis would have wanted”.

I’m not sure what my favourite bit is. It’s either the giant teddy bear or the jauntiness of the backing singers’ dance moves.

Listen! Can you hear that? It’s the sound of John Peel spinning in his grave. Possibly at the wrong speed.

Miliband of Brothers

Here’s a shot from last night’s BBC News report about the rivalry between Ed and David Miliband.

So. Which Miliband brother do you think the BBC is backing?

Thinking about it, though, this might have backfired on the BBC.

Personally, I’m more likely to vote for the candidate who looks like he’s been up all night re-animating corpses.

Night of the Living Trekkies

I know what I like. You know what I like. Zombies. And Science Fiction.

So when this dropped through my letter box:

You can understand that I got a Geek-Semi.

Yes. You read that right. ‘Night of the Living Trekkies’.

Zombies. Star Trek fanboys. Together at last.

It’s written by Kevin David Anderson & Sam Stall and published by Quirk Books, the imprint that gave the world “Pride & Prejudice & Zombies”

After tours of duty in Afghanistan, Jim Pike (if you get that reference, I’m guessing you’re already loading up Amazon in another tab) sleepwalks through life working as an assistant manager in a small Houston hotel. When the Zombie Apocalypse occurs on the same weekend as the hotel hosts its annual Star Trek convention, it’s up to Jim to lead a band of surviving geeks to safety.

I think that we can all agree that this is a story that needs to be told.

Its a tightly plotted story that tears along at a terrific pace, littered with jokes and references to Star Trek, Star Wars and geek culture. If you don’t get one, don’t worry, there’ll be another along in a few lines. Or somebody eating someone’s spleen.

Admittedly, some jokes are overplayed while others are under-explored and there’s some awkward exposition, but there’s so much going on these are minor quibbles.

It’s released on September 1st. Splatter, girls in gold bikinis and some laugh out loud moments. What’s not to like?

It’s like they looked into my brain…

Discovered – George Osborne’s Plan To Get People Off Benefits

David’s trip to Cornwall has gone very well.

He’s found a tin mine would work very well as an underground lair.

BBC Reporter In “Copy Cat” Bin Incident

Oh. Wait. It’s a furry microphone.

Sorry.

Carry on.

Stuff My Brain Vomited Up

Once again, real life has got in the way of me doing anything unconstructive. So, in a spectacular moment of vanity, here are some bad jokes/observations I wrote on Twitter that you might find amusing. If you’ve not already seen them. They probably don’t work out of the context. Oh well.  

“I’ve just seen a daddy sheep have a fight with his son. It was a right ol’ ram-a-lamb-a-ding-dong.”

“In the woods.

Kid A: It’s very sticky here.

Me: No it’s not. It’s dry.

Kid A: No, I mean there a lot of sticks.”

“Ex US Vice President has formed a Maths-Rock band. They’re called the Al Gore Rhythm.”

“’Don’t pay the ferryman. Don’t even fix a price,’ sang Chris De Burgh. ‘Not until you’ve visited comparetheferrymen.com’”

 “I like my vending machine coffee like I like my women. Cold and of mysterious origin.”

“Fact: Cheryl Cole is actually from Hertfordshire and uses Auto-Toon when on the X-Factor.”

“I was obliged to drive at 88mph, officer, as I was listening to ‘The Power of Love’ by Huey Lewis and the News. No jury will convict me.”

“I got an F in my homeopathy GCSE. It’s ok, I just see it as a highly diluted A”

“I got 4A’s, 4 B’s and a C. I did really badly when I appeared on Countdown.”

“Who’s the world’s most depressed footballer?

Teary Ennui”

Signs of the Coming Apocalypse Part 4

We’re Doooooooooooooooooooooooooooomed!!!!

The Skittlebrau Project

One of the advantages of this blog is that all the pointless crap that I’ve wanted to do now has a point. Now I can indulge in unconstructive activities, injure myself or destroy property and, as long as I haven’t damaged enough of my short term memory to forget to write about it, I consider it a perfectly acceptable use of my time.

So, Gregg and John, today I will be making Skittlebrau.

What’s Skittlebrau? I hear you ask.

Well, dear Reader, Skittlebrau entered my consciousness during this exchange in the Simpsons:

Homer: “I’m feelin’ low, Apu. You got any of that beer that has candy floating in it, you know, Skittlebrau?”
Apu: “Such a product does not exist, sir! You must have dreamed it.”
Homer: “Oh. Well then just gimme a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.”

It’s played on my mind for the last 10 years and now, thanks to you reading this right now, I have an excuse to make it.

I love how the Better Half has resigned herself to this sort of shit going on. This is the conversation as I emptied the shopping bag. She had seen the contents and put two and two together.

Her: Are you making Skittlebrau?

Me: Yes.

Her: Okay. Don’t make a mess.

Reader, I made a mess.

Adding Skittles to beer make beer go boom.

It’s Alive!!! It’s Alive!!!

After a while it settled down.

Pretty, isn’t it?

Then the weird shit started.

I’m Pretty Sure I Saw This Attack The Enterprise Once

Still, what could go wrong? It was beer and sweets together!

Actually, the answer to “what could go wrong?” appears to be “a lot”.

It wasn’t beery enough and it wasn’t Skittlesy enough. It was a mess as a concept. John Torode and Gregg Wallace would’ve laughed me out of the Masterchef kitchen.

I still drank it though. They’d take away my bloke licence if I didn’t.

There is a happy ending to this story. The beer soaked Skittles left at the bottom of the empty glass were an absolute triumph. There’s your new product.

Cheers!

Next week I’ll be attempting Homer’s other great contribution to cusine. Nuts’N’Gum.

Crap From My Phone

It’s Friday. We’re all winding down for the weekend. So here’s some crap I found in the photo folder on my phone.

On our holiday, we went to Colchester Zoo.

According to this sign, they’ve discovered a whole new breed of chicken.

They’re keeping quiet about it, though. Probably because they’re so tasty. Hmmm. Chicken and Chimps…

We also saw this:

Yes. It’s a chimp eating its own shit. This, naturally, was the highlight of the whole day.

I want Lisa Faulkner to win Masterchef. Partly because she’s not Christine Hamilton & Dick Strawbridge makes me feel inadequate as a man. He could kill Gregg and John with his bare hands and use their corpses to build a bridge.

But mostly because of this. This is taken from her Wikipedia entry.

I don’t care if it’s true or not.

And, finally, in a turn of events that will please Anton Vowl, I’ve checked Ofcom’s website and Halifax don’t have a licence for that fucking radio station they keep banging on about in those adverts.

I have got my solicitors (or at least Colin from down the pub who’s seen an episode of ‘Rumpole of the Bailey’) to write a cease and desist letter.

Right. Go and have a pint. It’s the weekend.