A Poorly Constructed Cartoon About ‘The Apprentice’

I Always Thought the Voice Over Said “Candidates Have Come From Across The Country To Fight For a Job With a Stick Figure Salary”

 

For @MoreUtterPiffle

John Peel – A Memory

Today marks the sixth anniversary of John Peel’s untimely passing away.

I’d guess the increased Cowell-ification of the charts in that time would have John spinning in his grave – possibly at the wrong speed – but I wanted to c&v part of a previous blog post originally about 6 Music:

“Do you remember the band Bennet?

No, of course not. You’re all young hip cats who’s worlds are made up of iPods and MP3s and have no truck with obscure Britpop bands from the mid-to-late nineties.

If you do remember them, you may recall their minor hit “Mum’s Gone To Iceland”. Not their finest hour.

But “Someone Always Gets There First” WAS their finest hour. I heard it on a Peel Session many years ago and I instantly fell in love. As a doomed romantic, it spoke to me.  In these days before the internet, I managed to track down a copy and order it from a local record store.

That song is a stone cold Dave’s Desert Island Disc. It’s made me smile, shake my booty and – in all honesty – it’s got me through some tough times. Hell, it was the first track on a mixtape that I made for the Better Half for reasons too complicated to go into here.

I’ve never heard it on the radio before or since that John Peel broadcast. If I’d not been sat by my radio for precisely those three minutes, my life would not have been enriched by that power-pop number in the way that it has been.”

And that, in a badly written nutshell, is what made John Peel great for me.

Thanks John.

Self Indulgent Pretentious Wank-Fest

Actually, this was going to be a long and self-indulgent piece about what it is to be a writer. Why do we do it? What is the purpose? When do you feel you can call yourself ‘a writer’ in polite company?

Then I realised that the answers to the questions were simply; “Because we have to”. “Blah Blah Blah Something about being human”. And “I have recently come to the conclusion that a writer writes. You write? You’re a writer. End of.”

That’s all that sorted. Didn’t take long, did it? Can’t be bothered to change the title, though.

So, instead, here’s a picture to mentally and emotionally scar you:

Another Star Wars Book

Look, you have @Banalyst to blame for this one because he emailed me the title and I giggled.

I can only apologise that my MS Paint skills can’t do it justice.

Yoda Went Into Self-Help Publishing

“Cutting Edge” Technology

Movember Needs You!!!

I’m an important man. I own many leather bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

But how does one outwardly display one’s sophistication and love of the finer things in life? Cigars? Fine wines? The works of John Grisham?

These are all fine options, but the finest of all is the moustache.

Whether the handlebar, the Chaplin or the ASBO bumfluff (my own personal choice), man has been able to show his debonair streak ever since the razor blade was invented.

“Yes, Dave. I am a man of the world and I wish to take part in the most manly of pursuits and cultivate a luxuriant lip warmer,” I hear you cry. “But how can I do this without incurring the ridicule of my less cosmopolitan friends and relations?”

Simple. Do it for charity.

Every November, thousands of suave men around the world take part in Movember to raise awareness of and money to combat prostate cancer. And this year, I and – I hope – you will join them.

Not for us the undignified run around a city park. All that is required is to shave on November 1st and then grow the best moustache your testosterone can provide. Possibly while lounging around sipping port.

If you feel that perhaps you are not urbane enough, then I’d be very grateful if you could donate to this worthy cause (I’ll badger you nearer the time as well). Thanks.

So, please. Donate your face. Donate some time. Donate some money.

Who’s In?

My Favourite Film Credit Ever

‘Full Metal Jacket’.

A cold harrowing examination of the brutality of warfare.

As the credits roll, you are numb. The chilling chorus of the children’s song the Marines sing in the final scene catches in your memory as you process the horrors Kubrick has made you witness to.

Then this Bad Boy pops up on screen:

Hair. By Leonard.

And you start to giggle.

Hang on. This is ‘Full Metal Jacket’. For the first half of the film, set in a military boot camp, everyone has a shaven head. And in the second half, in Vietnam, they’re all wearing helmets.

Leonard (if that is his real name) certainly phoned that fucking gig in.

I’m In The Money!!!

You’ll all understand how excited I was when I received this email:
“RE: YOUR FUNDS HAS BEEN APPROVED FOR IMMEDIATE PAYMENT
We are delighted to inform you that after critical examinations of the whole process, that the UNITED NATIONS BENIN Commission have finally give the authority and approved the Atlantis Asset Recovery Group Plc to settle your due over payment, the sum of Five Million Pounds (Ј5,000,000GBP) in a swift action and unconditionally.
Presently, I am mandated to inform you once again that the authorities are ready to pay all the people who were victimized by those corrupt officials according to the order of the human right commision. So, be notified that your names are among the 25 Names in the first batch who are to receive the first payment, but it is left for you as the beneficairy to show your interest on the fund.
As a matter of fact, this office will not entertain your further dealings with any third party to avoid duplication of effort on your payment process in other to serve you better otherwise your payment will be cancelled. We are out to correct the wrong done in the past by your representative but all we want from you is your utmost co-operation and kind understanding by adhering to the lay down instruction.
It is our concern that you should discontinue any other further communications with any person/persons claiming to be working with any other department / Security company henceforth as they have been stopped any official assignment on behalf of the affiliated bank to avoid any duplication of efforts in diverting your funds to a wrong account.
Please, We hereby once again express our sympathy with you over the whole situation that had culminated in the whole delay in the payment of your funds as we want you to comply with the us even as we assure you of a quickest remittance of your funds into your account, as officials of the (ASRG) are currently reaching out to all awaiting foreign beneficiaries for their payment after due process.
In view of the above instructions,you have to indicate your preferred mode of payment. The options available to you are as follows:
1) WIRE TRANFER THROUGH OUR BANK TO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.
2) THROUGH CASH PAYMENT,IT WILL BE DELIVER TO YOUR HOME ADDRESS.
3) BY ATM VISA CARD,IT WILL ALSO BE DELIVER TO YOUR HOME ADDRESS.
Please advise us as soon as possible to enable us start the processing and we shall let you know the cost for processing any method you choose from above.
We await your urgent acknowledgement of this letter before the enforced deadline.For official status and security reason reconfirms your details as it is stated below only to Dr Fabrice Oliver, Direct via e-mail: globalatlantis-argp@katamail.com

Your Full name:……………….
Banking coordinates:………..
Telephone number:…………..
Physical address:……………..
Yours Sincerely in Service.
Mr.Neil Grant
Secretary: Atlantis Asset Recovery Group Plc.”

So I thought it only polite that I reply:

Dear Mr. Grant

Many thanks for your email regarding the £5,000,000 owed to me by the Benin government. I normally disregard this sort of thing, but – well – baby needs new shoes!

I’ll be perfectly honest with you, I don’t remember ever visiting Benin, or having any dealings with their corrupt officials, but – to be honest – I spent most of my twenties drunk so anything is possible. I have a vague memory of my mate Dan ending up as president of Burkina Faso after a card game. Maybe I popped over the border? It was a pretty mad weekend.

I’m disappointed to read that I only have one human right. If this is the case, do I get to choose which human right I have?

If so, I’d like to have the “human right to dance like nobody’s watching”. I tried this once but Yates’s apparently have a very strict policy on people doing “The Willy Dance” in their establishments.

I always giggle when I see the phrase “Physical Address” as it reminds of the song “Lola” by the Kinks. In the narrative Ray Davies is “not the world’s most physical guy” because ‘Lola’ (a man in a dress. A dress. Address. Geddit?) “almost breaks his spine” when giving him a cuddle. Ray Davies comes from a tradition of oral storytelling, much like the Benin culture.

Yes. I’ve been reading Wikipedia.

Anyway, as requested, my Full Name is Pisscock Partridge (Please, let’s not be formal, call me Pisscock) and – having checked Google Maps – my bank coordinates are 51Deg 49’ N. 0Deg -48’ E.

I know! I didn’t realise I was so close to the Greenwich Meridian either! And I was equally unaware that lawyers were so into geocaching. Geekotronic!

What day will you be visiting? I shall keep my eyes out for a bemused lawyer walking around the Home Counties with a GPS receiver.

Be Lucky

Mr. Pisscock Partridge.  

Ker-Ching!

More Mugs

With three kids, a full time job and a slowly stagnating writing career, I require my own body weight in coffee every day in order to simply function like a reasonable member of society.

So imagine my horror when Kids A-C revoked access rights to my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug due to recent poor performance.

One of the good things about writing a blog is that, every now and again, someone offers to send you stuff.

So it was with spectacularly fortuitous timing that Alex from Renegade Media got in touch to ask if I wanted any personalised mugs from The Dogs Doodahs.

Yes. Oh Dear God. Yes.

Here they are:

Yes. You’re seeing correctly. That is a mug with a picture of the Pope on it.

A MUG WITH THE PICTURE OF THE POPE!!!

Serving Suggestion

Thanks very much Alex!

So, if anyone else is considering sending me free shit, you should be aware that I am open to any suggestions and have very little artistic integrity left.