Zombies (Slight Return)

I haven’t done much in the way of zombies recently. This is because I’m spending most of my time sat in darkened rooms trying to force my moustache like rhubarb.

So, as it’s Children In Need today, here’s Zombie Pudsey.

I posted it last year and nobody liked it. I’ve tweaked him a bit so it can be even more unpopular.

Movember Day 18 – Farewell To Dignity

“You’re no Tom Selleck.”

These are the words no man wishes to hear. But this is what The Better Half told me earlier this week.

The problem is, she’s right.

Before I began Movember I was worried about the humiliation of having a terrible moustache. The reality is the humiliation that people are failing to notice that I even have a terrible moustache.

I don’t know if it can be seen in this picture, but I also appear to be turning into Alan Whicker.

It’s made all the worse by the fact that my father has a thick luxuriant Des Lynam-esque moustache that is made entirely of win and awesome.

Even though I am a disappointment as a son, Dad has generously donated to the Movember cause. And there’s still time for you to do the same here.

I will be forever in your debt. Thanks.


The Problem With the BBC Have Your Say Site…

…Is that, due to it being filled with gibbering delusional maniacs, I can’t work out if this is the greatest joke of all time.

I’m going with ‘Greatest Joke of All Time’.

Something Important Happened Here

As somebody who writes jokes and hyperbole on the interweb in the hope that one day somebody will see them and give me money to write jokes and hyperbole, I’m going to have to have my tuppence worth about the Twitter joke trial.

For those who aren’t aware of what it’s about, it’s all documented here.
But here’s the short version:

When the weather was bad at the start of the year, Paul Chambers – who had planned to fly from Robin Hood airport – wrote this on Twitter:
“Crap! Robin Hood airport is closed. You’ve got a week and a bit to get your shit together otherwise I’m blowing the airport sky high!!!”

Look at it. LOOK AT IT. It’s important. It’s certainly the most important tweet Paul Chambers ever sent. This tweet has cost Paul two jobs and he now has a criminal record.

Let’s get this straight from the start. It was not a joke. It was not a prank. It was not a hoax. It was a howl of impotent rage borne of frustration. Quite frankly, if a howl of impotent rage gets you a criminal record, then the writers on the Daily Mail must be shitting themselves.

That tweet sat there in the ether, ignored by everyone and not blowing anything up, for five days until an employee of Robin Hood airport came across it when searching Twitter for ‘Robin Hood Airport’. He deemed it to be no threat, but was obliged to pass it on to the authorities. There was an investigation and – though it seems that everyone involved deemed there to be no threat – the CPS appears to have had a collective aneurism and charged him.

Two judges have deemed it to be menacing, with Judge Davies yesterday calling it “menacing in its content and obviously so. It could not be more clear. Any ordinary person reading this would see it in that way and be alarmed.”

A lot of ordinary people use Twitter, Judge Davies, and in that five day period before it was reported, it doesn’t seem that one ordinary person was alarmed or menaced by it. The Robin Hood employees who, let’s face it were the ones apparently going to be blown “sky high”, used the word “jest” in witness statements and graded it as a “non-credible threat”. They didn’t seem particularly menaced or alarmed.

I’m guessing Judge Davies wouldn’t know an “ordinary person” if one punched her on the nose (please note that this is not an incitement for any person, ordinary or otherwise, to punch Judge Davies on the nose. Just covering my back. I’m a lover, not a fighter.).

I’m proud of this country. Sure, the people and the state have done a lot of shitty things, but bloody hell, we’ve done a lot of cool things as well. But part of it died in that Doncaster court room yesterday.

I don’t know where we stand now. What public interest was served by this prosecution? How do we now use the internet to say anything without nuance or context being taken into consideration? Without what we write being held up in front of us and used for scaremongering? Or having our wrists slapped like naughty school kids rather than the adults that we are?

Maybe I’m over-reacting. Maybe this is all hyperbole brought about by frustration. Another howl of impotent rage screamed into the wind.

But I’m not sure who the winners out of all this are. The people who actually want to blow up airports? The police? The judiciary? The government?

All I know that it wasn’t ‘us’. It wasn’t Paul Chambers. And it certainly wasn’t justice.

The Fluff of Movember: Day 7

The Better Half finished her croissant and looked across the breakfast table at me.

“Are you going to put a picture of your face on your blog so people can laugh at you?”

I put down the copy of the Guardian and stroked my upper lip. “I suppose I’d better”.

(I’m not making this shit up. This is the cliched liberal-lower-middle-class life that we live. Croissants. The Guardian. Personal abuse.)

It should be noted that my body does not work well in a time frame. It does not react happily to deadlines. I have always believed in quality not quantity.

So here it is.

After a week of growth.

Be nice.

I shaved especially for this photo.

And moisturised.

And deep-cleansed.

Are you ready?

Rubbish, isn’t it?

I’m embarrassed to show it to you.

I’m also bitterly regretting telling you about the moisturising and deep-cleansing.

But I assure you, there is hair there.

We’re on our way.

From small acorns and all that.

Thank you to everyone who has donated so far. You’ve been more than generous.

Perhaps psychology could play a part. If you haven’t donated and were kind enough to do so here, I might be shamed into producing more testosterone and boost my hair growth.

If you need evidence that I can do it, here’s a photo taken the day before my first Movember shave.

Alpha Male!!! Grrr!!!

I’ll keep you posted on developments.

(By the way, the person who googled “Gregg Wallace Sexy” to get to this blog. You are a bad, bad person)

Mid-Term Election Drinking Game

I’ve noticed that there have been quite a few hits on this site from people looking for drinking games for the American mid-term elections. So I thought I’d better write one.  

The problem is, everything I know about American politics I learnt from ‘The West Wing’. Or at least the episodes that featured Mary-Louise Parker. And then I wasn’t really paying attention.

I’ve been reading up on it on Wikipedia and, based on previous experience, I’ve ignored the stuff about unicorns.

So, according to the wise people at Wikipedia, these elections are being called because President Bartlett was shot. He was replaced by Jimmy Smits, who left the Galactic Senate soon afterwards to become the King of Alderaan and lead the Rebel Alliance against a collection of British character actors known as “The Empire”.

The Rebel Alliance then invaded the Middle Eastern state of Mordor with the help of some Hobbits and an opposing faction of British character actors.

British character actors are a really violent bunch.  

The actor Chris O’Donnell decided to leave the show CSI:NY (upsetting his co-stars Bill Cosby, Stills, Nash & Young) and got involved in the political movement The Birthday Party. Concerned that they were getting too many bookings from people who thought they were the old Nick Cave band, they changed their name to the Tea Party.

I am unaware of how much tea is actually consumed. I’m guessing not a lot as I always find I’m less angry after a cup of tea and a slice of cake.

So Barack Obama, who won the Legislative, Executive & Judicial branches of government (and a branch of Dixons in Leicester due to a mix up in the Constitution) after chopping off George W Bush’s hand, is concerned that the Republicans (who later become the Empire. Keep up.) will take control of Dixons   Comet  Congress.

Which is the long way of saying I have no idea what is going on. So the one rule I can come up with for the drinking game is ‘Just Drink’.

Unless you guys can come up with anything.

Remember Remember the Fluff of Movember – Day 1

I am very far from gruntled. In fact, I would say that I am distinctly disgruntled.

Today sees the beginning of Movember, so I have taken a razor blade to my face for the first time in years.

I want to stick the hair back on with glue.

My stupid face is puffy. My stupid face is uninteresting. My stupid face is barren.

And it appears that my hairy chin was useful for diverting attention away from MY MASSIVE FUCKING NOSE.

It has come to light some people think that this growing of a moustache was another case of me “dicking about” and weren’t aware that I was trying to raise money for cancer research.

So, I would be unbelievably grateful if you could go here to my MoSpace site and donate some money for this worthwhile cause.

Think of the sacrifice the Better Half is making having to look at and kiss a man with a dubious moustache.

Thanks in advance for your generosity and I’ll be posting weekly updates on my progress and performance.

Okay. There is some element of me “dicking about”.