If ‘Independence Day’ Was Made Today…

…Jeff Goldblum would probably be getting annoyed with iTunes…


Army of Dave. Proving you can’t keep a bad joke down.

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If Jeff Goldblum Had Used Windows In ‘Independence Day’…

(Look, Clippy would’ve been around when ‘Independence Day’ came out, so it’s funny, right?)

The Rapture! It’s True!

The Rapture is predicted to start today, May 21st 2011.

At first, I thought it was just the ramblings of another self-publicising leader of a religious cult until I saw this:

Remember, the secret phrase to get into heaven is “Armageddon Outta Here!”

I’ll see you all on a cloud in Paradise.

Peace. Out.

Maybe AV

I watch the news in a pathetic and futile attempt to look intelligent, but sometimes I can’t help but be spectacularly childish. The word behind Nick Clegg is just one letter out…

Today the polls are open for the referendum on AV (I’m voting ‘Yes’ because if we take AV away, won’t DVDs stop playing on my telly?) and, in some areas, local elections. I thought it may be a good time to re-post the Army of Dave Guide to Voting Etiquette:

First, there WILL be old people at the polling station. This cannot be avoided. They are placed there by the parties in order to drive home the futility of existence and break your spirit. Do not be swayed. Engage them in a conversation about cake or Tommy Steele when presenting your polling card.

If Nick Robinson is outside the polling station making a live broadcast, it is considered good luck in many cultures to rub his bald spot.

If you’ve got around the OAPs and not been beaten up by a BBC researcher, you will be presented with a ballot paper and invited to enter the polling booth. Once there, I prefer to sing “Jerusalem” to myself in a rich baritone to create the right air of solemnity.

It is traditional to mark your ballot paper with a cross (If you are a BNP supporter this is also known as “your signature”)  but writing “LOL”, “FTW!”,  “<Your Name> Likes This” or drawing a smiley face are also acceptable.

If you can draw the following on your ballot paper without crossing a line twice, your vote counts double.

If you make a mistake, bring this to the attention of the returning officer stating “I’m very sorry. Instead of placing a cross against my choice,  I appear to have scrawled ‘DIE! DIE! DIE! YOU INSUFFERABLE SHOWER OF BASTARDS!’ in my own blood.” They will give you a new form and a look of mistrust and fear.

Leave the pencil behind. This isn’t fucking Ikea.  

Fold your ballot paper (I prefer to make mine into an origami swan) and place it in the ballot box along with any loose change you may have. Look someone deep in the eye and say “Nailed the multiple choice section!”

Actually, that reminds me, this might be a good time to hand over that census form you haven’t bothered doing yet.

Run to the pub and reflect on what you have done. Practice the phrase “It’s not my fault. I didn’t vote for it.”