The Perfect Social Networking Site

I’ve signed up for several social network sites now; Twitter, Facebook, Google+, LinkedIn. It is a fact that very little networking goes on and the majority of people use these sites to complain about things. Or complain about people complaining about things. Or complaining about people complaining about the complainer and how the complainer is oppressing the complainer’s right to complain about things.

And pictures of cats in people clothes.  

 So I’ve had an idea for the perfect social networking site.

 You don’t “tweet” or “update” or “finger your ring” (or whatever the hell you do on Google+). You “scream into the ether”.

 I’ve made a mock up of what I envision a typical page (or “Procrastination Station”) to look like. Obviously, the default font is Comic Sans. Just to get the bile rising the second you load up your account.

It’ll  make millions.

Death – The Story So Far

I have toothache. I considered setting fire to my head in order to distract myself from the awful throbbing pain in my jaw, but I decided to write this post instead. Which is the literary equivalent of setting fire to YOUR head.


The Death Twitter Project is going very well. We even – bizarrely – have tee shirts. When I started it in September last year as a research project, I had a fanciful notion of reaching an arbitrary figure of 20,000 followers within 12 months. Death’s follower count currently stands at 19,373.

I’m just a bloke with an unfulfilling office job who likes writing jokes so I find this figure mad and lovely and exciting and I’m grateful to every last one of you who takes time out to read my brain vomit. Even the spambots.

Actually, it’s my birthday on the 12th August. If we could *ahem* reach that arbitrary figure by then, that would be awesome. Thanks.

But enough pathetic attempts to beg for more followers to feed my ego and fill the void where my soul used to be while I wait for Apple to release a new product. What’s Death been up to in the past 10 months?

Tom Cox wrote about Death in ‘Easy Living’ magazine in an article about ‘Funny People to Follow On Twitter’.

Impressive company, I think you’ll agree.

Weirdly, Death made the International Business Times when he was rude about Mick Jagger while a rumour that he’d died swept the interweb.

Death made the top spot in a Forbes magazine list! Disappointingly, it was not the Forbes Rich List, but a list entitled ‘The Top 3 Haters of Coldplay’s New Song’.

If you knew how much I hate Coldplay, you’d understand that topping this list comes pretty close to topping the Rich List.

And this morning, I woke up to this on the Time Magazine website.

Time Magazine? Bwah! Ha! Ha!

The campaign to make Death ‘Time Magazine Demon of the Year’ starts here.

So, what have I done with these pages of esoteric jokes about ‘Schrodinger’s Deal or No Deal’ (“24 boxes. All of which may or may not contain dead cats.”), Sartre’s confusion over Jaffa Cakes and life lessons such as:


I’ve finished a script for a pilot episode for a Death sitcom that I’ve just sent off to my agent for him to weep over and, along with every other writer of a Twitter joke account, I’m – unsurprisingly – sketching out ideas for a book.

So, thanks to everybody who’s joined in with the jokes and who knows where we go from here…?

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and take some more painkillers, rub my tooth with ointment and longingly eye up some pliers….

Dante Has Set Up His Google+ Circles

Books For Four Year Old Feminists

Feminism (n) – The doctrine advocating social, political, dragon slaying and all other rights of women equal to those of men.

 What’s not to like?

 Kid B is currently obsessed with princesses and fairies. Fairies I’m okay with, they’ve got magic’n’shit and ‘Ben & Holly’s Little Kingdom’ is the funniest thing on the telly.

 Princesses, though, traditionally spend a lot of time waiting for a prince to save them. No matter how many times I tell Kid B that she’s a strong, funny, independent princess who is equipped to bloody well save herself, I don’t have the marketing budget of Disney.

 At times like this, I turn to Twitter. It’s like Google, but better because it has more dick jokes. I asked if there were any story books that featured kick ass princesses. Twitter responded awesomely.

 @ginger_wookey asked me to put together a list of the suggestions in one place, so here they are:

‘The Tough Princess’ by Martin Waddell and Patrick Benson

(Suggested by @HCulpin)


‘The Wrestling Princess’ by Judy Corbalis and Helen Craig

(Suggested by @stellawonkey)


‘The Paper Bag Princess’ by Robert Munsch and Michael Martchenko

(Suggested by @Cdn_Tam & @MissUnderscore)


‘Princess Smartypants’ by Babette Cole

(Suggested by @LongJogRoz & @loveitloveit)


‘The Princess & The Dragon’ by Audrey Wood

(Suggested by @chickenprincess)


‘Dealing With Dragons’ by Patricia C. Wrede

(Suggested by @Shepy)

 Thank you to everybody who helped out.

 As a little treat, here is Jonathan Coulton’s song ‘The Princess Who Saved Herself’. With added Amy Pond. Again, what’s not to like? She eats a whole cake!


(The cool princess picture is by  jawboneradio)

Cuteness in Purchasable Form


You look lovely today. Is that a new blouse / shirt / hairstyle / nipple ring?

Recently, when bored one evening, I made this:

Rampant egotist that I am, I put it up on Twitter and some people said some lovely things and asked if they could buy one.

Well, I’ve sorted it all out and it’s available to buy here.

If you use the code “DESIGN20”, you can get cuteness for 20% off. May I recommend the matching pillow cases for the special Emo in your life? 

I’ll be off now.

Thanks x

(I’ve just realised that if you subscibe to the blog, you would’ve seen this twice. Sorry about that. I’ll do a joke about zombies or something to make it up to you)

I Made This!

I believe that you can never have too many tee shirts.

The Better Half has always disagreed with me on this.

This feeling has grown stronger since my tee shirt drawer collapsed recently under the sheer weight of the contents. True story.

Printed Wardrobe are an online clothing company that allows you – the consumer – to create your own designs and, if you’re that way inclined, sell them and receive 10% of the purchase price as commission.

When they asked me to review the site and knock up some tee shirts, I immediately reached for the picture editing software and the Better Half immediately reached for the Ikea catalogue.

The site contains plenty of images and designs that you can incorporate into your garment, but – me being me – I wanted to create something completely original.

Unfortunately, what I know about graphic design can be written on the back of a limited edition stamp featuring famous Hobbits from the Shire Post Office. But, I downloaded GIMP (a free Photoshop-esque picture editor) and found the font I wanted to use. After a couple of hours reading up about transparencies and channels and layers and other things I didn’t really understand, I unleashed my creativity, uploaded my design and produced this bad boy:

Knowing my luck, I’ll get into loads of arguments with born-again Jedis now.

To be honest, I had to scale the logo to twice the size that Printed Wardrobe recommended be used in order for it to look decent. But this could be down to my amateurish techniques. But once I was happy with the design, the upload was simple & positioning it on the tee shirt easy.

The print gets scanned on by computers and stuff and it all looks professionally made. I was stupidly proud of it. So much, that I ticked the box to sell it. So you can buy lots of stuff with the design on here. May I recommend a ‘Lapsed Jedi’ pillow?

Now I knew what I was doing, the second design was much quicker to create:

Yes. I’ve been working out. Thanks for noticing.

But @Its_Death merchandise! Awesomeballs! Being a corporate mercenary whore, you can give us money in exchange for goods here.

So, an afternoon’s work and I’ve ended up with two exclusive designs.

And I’m an idiot.

You are not idiots. I’m sure you can do better. And using the code DESIGN20, you can be better than me for 20% less than usual until the end of September.

Now to get on with my ‘Stuck-Up, Half-Witted, Scruffy-Looking Nerf Herder’ shirt….

Is Twitter Angry About Something?

Inspired by the various “Is Twitter Down?” websites that exist, I’ve spent 5 minutes knocking together:

Well. Is it?