Oh. Hello, There

I know I said I wouldn’t leave you, but I’ve been creative over at The Death Guide To Life. I think there might be some funny stuff there.

There are some jokes about sloths.¬†How many websites can claim that?¬†Apart from SlothJokes.com. If you have a couple of minutes, why not have a read? And then stick a link on Facebook/Twitter/Google+/Your blog/Scribble the URL on a toilet wall? I’ll buy you a puppy*.

Hahahah! Stick a link on Google+. See? I’m funny.

Thanks. You’re still my favourite.

*Offer of Puppy Purchase May Not Be Honoured.


Death – The Story So Far

I have toothache. I considered setting fire to my head in order to distract myself from the awful throbbing pain in my jaw, but I decided to write this post instead. Which is the literary equivalent of setting fire to YOUR head.


The Death Twitter Project is going very well. We even – bizarrely – have tee shirts. When I started it in September last year as a research project, I had a fanciful notion of reaching an arbitrary figure of 20,000 followers within 12 months. Death’s follower count currently stands at 19,373.

I’m just a bloke with an unfulfilling office job who likes writing jokes so I find this figure mad and lovely and exciting and I’m grateful to every last one of you who takes time out to read my brain vomit. Even the spambots.

Actually, it’s my birthday on the 12th August. If we could *ahem* reach that arbitrary figure by then, that would be awesome. Thanks.

But enough pathetic attempts to beg for more followers to feed my ego and fill the void where my soul used to be while I wait for Apple to release a new product. What’s Death been up to in the past 10 months?

Tom Cox wrote about Death in ‘Easy Living’ magazine in an article about ‘Funny People to Follow On Twitter’.

Impressive company, I think you’ll agree.

Weirdly, Death made the International Business Times when he was rude about Mick Jagger while a rumour that he’d died swept the interweb.

Death made the top spot in a Forbes magazine list! Disappointingly, it was not the Forbes Rich List, but a list entitled ‘The Top 3 Haters of Coldplay’s New Song’.

If you knew how much I hate Coldplay, you’d understand that topping this list comes pretty close to topping the Rich List.

And this morning, I woke up to this on the Time Magazine website.

Time Magazine? Bwah! Ha! Ha!

The campaign to make Death ‘Time Magazine Demon of the Year’ starts here.

So, what have I done with these pages of esoteric jokes about ‘Schrodinger’s Deal or No Deal’ (“24 boxes. All of which may or may not contain dead cats.”), Sartre’s confusion over Jaffa Cakes and life lessons such as:


I’ve finished a script for a pilot episode for a Death sitcom that I’ve just sent off to my agent for him to weep over and, along with every other writer of a Twitter joke account, I’m – unsurprisingly – sketching out ideas for a book.

So, thanks to everybody who’s joined in with the jokes and who knows where we go from here…?

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and take some more painkillers, rub my tooth with ointment and longingly eye up some pliers….