The Last Post

Look, it’s not you. It’s me.

It’s time to wind down Army of Dave.

I have a plan and, unfortunately, this website doesn’t feature in it.

I thought it only proper that I say goodbye and thank you to everybody who’s read, commented, re-tweeted or shared my ramblings over the last 2 years.

I’ve had fun adventures with cool people that I never would have met without Army of Dave and I’m very grateful for it.

I’m in the process of setting up Aim For The Head, a website for my writing/film-making projects. I should have some pretty exciting news about those projects soon.

I’ll still be blogging elsewhere and news of that will be posted on the new site.

Of course, you can find me on Twitter at @mrdaveturner and I’m still peddling poor quality comedy material at @Its_death and The Death Guide To Life.

It’s been emotional.

Love ya


Army of Dave (Retired)


The Film Geek Pub Crawl

Hello You.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I hope you’re well.

Have I got that multi-million pound book/film deal since I last wrote?


Have I been pissing around on the internet?

Of course.

My Better Half and I are getting married in a few months.

I know. I’m still stunned too.

Traditionally, the bride and groom celebrate the approaching wedding with stag and hen parties.

My Better Half is having a relaxing, sophisticated weekend away in the countryside.

I don’t do relaxing. Or sophisticated. Or the countryside. Not enough boozers there for my liking.

What I like are films, London and pubs.

So, how about a tour of London visiting pubs that have been in films? It’s obvious when you think about it.

I spent many hours researching locations and it was thoroughly depressing to find out that many aren’t around any more.

The Tavistock Arms from ‘Withnail & I’? Bulldozed.

‘The Duke of Albany’, used for exterior shots of the Winchester in ‘Shaun of the Dead’? Apartments.

The Bramley Arms from Quadrophenia and ‘The Lavender Hill Mob’? Gone.

But there are enough left in London to create the following list which I give to you, my fellow beer monsters and booze hounds.

The Windsor Castle


114 Campden Hill Road, Kensington, London, W8 7AR


Because it was used in ‘The Good Shepherd’, directed by Robert De Niro, and ‘Sliding Doors’, directed by Joey from Bread.


The Hoop and Toy


34 Thurloe Place, Kensington, London, SW7 2HQ


It was in Roman Polanski’s ‘Repulsion’. Also, Princess Beatrice drank there. Or was it Eugenie?

Hang on. I’ve just remembered. I don’t care.




132 Lower Marsh, South Bank, London SE1 7AE


Because it was in ‘The Bourne Ultimatum’.

It should be noted that Jason Bourne’s real name is – of course – Dave.





The Globe


London Bridge, London, SE1 9AL


Bridget Jones lived in the flat upstairs in the ground-breaking romantic comedy ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’.

I say ‘ground-breaking’ because it was the first romantic comedy to feature neither romance nor comedy.




The Anchor


Southwark, London SE1 9EF


Tom Cruise and Ving Rhames have a pint here at the end of ‘Mission: Impossible’.

Hang on. Are Scientologists allowed to drink? They might have a few too many and say something stupid.


Also, Samuel Pepys watched the Great Fire of London from this pub. Which he wrote about in his famous work ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’

The Audley


41-43 Mount Street  London W1K 2RX


It was in ‘Match Point’. Your bottom could locate the same space as Scarlett Johansson’s did.

Your chances are probably improved if you’re a girl and you go to the toilet.

Personally, I prefer Woody Allen’s earlier, funnier work.

Nell of Old Drury


29 Catherine Street, London, WC2B 5JS


‘Frenzy: To be a bit like an American sitcom about 6 friends with lovely apartments yet don’t seem to go to work to pay for those apartments.

“Have you seen that TV show ‘Coupling’? It’s a bit Frenzy”‘

Personally, I preferred Alfred Hitchcock’s earlier, funnier work.

The Salisbury


90 St. Martins Lane, Covent Garden, London WC2N 4AP


It was in the Dirk Bogarde film ‘Victim’. To be honest, I’ve not seen the film. But I’m pretty sure I’ve been in this pub.

You know it’s been a good night when you look at a photo of a pub and say ‘I think I’ve been in there’.

And Marianne Faithful did a photo shoot in there in the 60s.

Marylebone Station


Harewood Row  Greater London NW1 6


Because that’s where my train leaves. And there’s a pub inside.

Marylebone is the fame whore of London railway stations. If you see a London railway station in a movie or TV show, it’s probably Marylebone.

In this instance, it was pretending to be Paddington Station in the Beatles movie ‘A Hard Day’s Night’.

Marylebone Station is a lying wanker.

I have also created this Google Map of the route to make your dazed stumbling even easier.

Don’t say I never do anything for you.

The Army of Dave Guide To Parenthood Part 2

A while ago, I wrote a Guide to Parenthood for those with babies. I now feel it is time to pass on some more wisdom.

As Kids A-C have grown older, it has become important for boundaries to be established. My research (Googling ‘If you can hear me, help me Supernanny’) shows that parents should be creating some ‘House Rules’ to be followed.

I have provided the rules I have come up with. Please feel free to help yourself to them and you too will be able to live in the Orwellian state of fear, obedience & silence that I currently enjoy.

Cuteness in Purchasable Form


You look lovely today. Is that a new blouse / shirt / hairstyle / nipple ring?

Recently, when bored one evening, I made this:

Rampant egotist that I am, I put it up on Twitter and some people said some lovely things and asked if they could buy one.

Well, I’ve sorted it all out and it’s available to buy here.

If you use the code “DESIGN20”, you can get cuteness for 20% off. May I recommend the matching pillow cases for the special Emo in your life? 

I’ll be off now.

Thanks x

(I’ve just realised that if you subscibe to the blog, you would’ve seen this twice. Sorry about that. I’ll do a joke about zombies or something to make it up to you)

Is Twitter Angry About Something?

Inspired by the various “Is Twitter Down?” websites that exist, I’ve spent 5 minutes knocking together:

Well. Is it?

Death and the Laughter Life

Hello. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Look at you. All grown up. Have you started shaving?

I’m sorry I haven’t been around much lately. I’ve been busy, but that’s no excuse.

I wasn’t going to write this blog post, but I probably owe you an explanation.

I’ve been spending my time over on Twitter writing one of those childish spoof accounts.

I decided to set one up back in September and I didn’t piss about. I went for the character of Death. The Grim Reaper. The Ferryman of the Damned. The Dark Shadow Cast Over All Souls. But that’s all terribly depressing. He likes to be called Steve.

Why? I wanted something where I could comment on anything and everything and Death is the ultimate outsider. He exists outside of humanity. He exists outside of religion. He exists outside of time. I’ve used him to make jokes about Katie Price and Schrodinger’s Cat and every topic between the two.

It’s going rather well. The character has just under 14,000 followers, who are all awesome and funny and sexy, and I even have a cute little profile pic:

Isn’t he soo cute and wuvverly?

So, what’s the point of all this arsing around and telling poor quality gags about Jean Paul Sartre and existential dilemmas involving Jaffa Cakes?

When you’re a comedy writer working on your own, you can never be certain what you’ve written is funny. There’s nobody there to laugh. The Twitter account has been a great way to develop the character and to test out jokes and themes.

I’m now developing a narrative for this large chunk of material that I have written. Whether for television or prose, I’m not sure. Maybe both. Anybody want to make me an offer? I know that Terry Pratchett casts a dark shadow over any attempt to do something comedically with Death, but I’ve found a new take on the whole thing.

So, all the good stuff is over at @Its_Death. If you’re not already following, it would be great to have you along for the ride.

I’m still at @ArmyofDave where you’ll find the knob gags and I promise I’ll get back to writing more stuff on here.




I’m Sorry I Haven’t Written Anything In a While…

…But I’ve been too busy laughing at this book.

I don’t know why it’s funny…


… I am ‘FHM Approved’

And people said I’d need bigger tits…

Historical Fact!

Stonehenge was actually a giant game of Jenga built to appease the “Party Gods”

Movember – Can I Have My Face Back Now?

And so Movember has drawn to a close. The moustache has been washed down the plug hole, half-forgotten like an embarrassing drunken memory. My face is barren and uninteresting.

You amazing people were generous enough to help me raise £130 for the cause and I really can’t thank you enough. You are all awesomely awesome.

Especially you. You’re my favourite x

I’ll probably do it all again next year. You never know, I might have hit puberty by then.

The Mo’ney Shot

(Sorry about the lack of posts recently. I’ve been having all sorts of computer problems. Then again, you’ve probably been thankful I haven’t been clogging up your inboxes/blog feeds with rubbish.)