Back To The World of Dreams

I am so tired, my eyelashes hurt.

The London Screenwriters’ Festival is over and all I have to show for it is sleep deprivation, a pocket full of other people’s business cards and a devastated bank balance.

Actually, I came away with a lot more.

What have I learned? Well, writers really, really, REALLY like hats.

And I met and caught up with so many smart, funny, kind, passionate people. I’m always staggered by the sense of camaraderie and friendship at these events. There are very few moments in our lives when you can just walk up to a complete stranger and say “Hi! I’m Dave!” without them backing away in a blind panic. (Though, it helps if your name is actually Dave).

Oh, and I *ahem* also picked up a shiny, shiny award:


How awesome is that?!

“It goes with your shiny, shiny head!” the Better Half told me.

I think I may have worked out why writers like hats.

Congratulations also to the other screenplay award winner Milethia and Anil, who picked up the film-makers’ award. It couldn’t have happened to two nicer, more talented people.

So, a big thank you to Chris Jones (Again, just a lovely, lovely human being) and all the crew that made the festival possible.

What am I going to do next? I think it’s time to pull a short screenplay out of the drawer, dust it off and go and shoot it. As Chris Jones said “Be heroic. If it doesn’t terrify you, it’s just going down the road to get a pint of milk.” 

Do I have any regrets? One. I was stood in a queue for coffee and Edgar Wright and Joe Cornish were stood next to me, within touching distance. “Should I be the arsehole who asks for a photo? No. Everyone else seems to be playing it cool. I should too.”

I then told this, frankly rubbish, anecdote to several people. Who then showed me their pictures of them stood with Edgar Wright and Joe Cornish.


On the Saturday evening, I managed to sneak the Better Half into a drinks party. “I’ve never been in a room with so many geeks,” she whispered. And I thought “Yeah. These are my people.”

See you in 2012.


Four Nights In August Awesomeness

Remember the screenwriting contest for the London Screenwriters’ Festival?

Remember how there was a film-making contest based on the winning scripts?

Well, click here to gaze in wonder at the entries.

Twenty three bad boys to point your eyes at. I’m completely stunned by the different tones, styles and themes people have brought to the ‘Everything You Need’ party.

A mahoosive thank you and congratulations to all the casts and crews who took my witterings and made Awesomeness with a side order of Epic from them. You’re all winners.

And to everyone going to the London Screenwriters’ Festival, if you see me wandering around Regents College, slack-jawed and befuddled, please come and say hello. It’ll be lovely to see you x

2010 – A Year In Mediocrity

Ah! The traditional introspective New Year’s Eve blog post! I hope you all had a more than adequate Christmas with well-supervised corporate fun and are looking forward to a decent New Year.

I have been slack recently.

Well, slacker than normal.

For this I apologise, but you will be glad to know that I am in the traditional end of year organisational fervour that normally lasts until the 2nd January.

2010 saw me fail to complete any new writing ‘product’. Now, I’m no expert, but I’m guessing that’s going to hinder a writing career. I’ve started several projects but they all crashed into a wall of self-doubt and neurosis.

I sat myself down in a darkened room and had a long conversation with myself. I wasn’t really listening, so I took myself out for a drink and I was a lot more receptive to what I had to say.

So, I’m writing another project and it feels good. 2011 will see me blogging properly once more and some posts may even have a point. I’d considered setting up a whole new site, but Army of Dave has a lot of good will attached to it. And then I remembered that I’d paid for this domain name and I can’t be bothered to design MORE business cards.

This year, the Army of Dave blog has appeared on the sites of the BBC, Guardian, Times and Telegraph. All of which I have failed to capitalise on.

So the next 12 months are going to see me have a massive push to get some kind of recognition. Don’t get me wrong. I love all of you in a special way and am awfully grateful that you subscribe to this blog in your RSS feed and email or make a daily browser trip to see if my brain has vomited up any poor quality gags. But I’d like even more people to hear/read what I write. And maybe have some of those people give me money for it.

I’ve even bought a personal organiser because I want to put lots of meetings into the diary section.

Yeah. Dave means business. He’s got his game face on. Grrrrr.

Maybe I’ll even start The Novel that I constantly bang on about to everyone.

In the meantime, here are the year’s ten most popular blog posts (Actually, some were written in 2009 but 2010 has been the Year of Velma Dinkley). Enjoy.

10. Something Important Happened Here Today

9. Time Travel – A Beginner’s Guide

8. An Email To Sky

7. The Army of Dave Guide To Voting Etiquette

6. Oh No! It’s An All Time Top 5! Part 5!

5. The Daily Mail Embraces The Internet

4. The Election Night Drinking Game

3. All Time Top 5! Part 3!

2. Am I Really Writing A Blog Post About This?

1. The Leaders’ Debate Drinking Game

A Self-Important Announcement

Hello. My name’s Dave and I’m a ruthless self-publicist.

While enjoying a few glasses of wine last night, I had an unfeasible idea. I normally have unfeasible ideas after wine, including the Ribbed Tampon and a self-lubricating iPhone screen to avoid the condition of “Tweeter’s Thumb”. But this one I thought I might have a less horrendous chance of fruition. Or lawsuits.

I’ve been questioning the point of this website. In a good way. Don’t get me wrong, I love doing stuff on here simply because I think it’ll make you guys giggle but… well… is their an end to these means? In other words, can this somehow further my career goal to make people wee themselves with laughter for a living and make the Better Half happy?

All these stupid Star Wars / Star Trek /Zombie screenshot sketches I do? I thought they might make a fun “toilet book”. I have shelves full of these things. ‘Great Lies to Tell Small Children’, a book on sheds, naughty street names. They’re great for flicking through while there’s a ‘Disturbance in the Force’.

Now, I have no idea how to go about this. I’m guessing the rights issues are going to be a nightmare. But if I could somehow get rights, I’ve still got tons of ideas that I want to do where I just can’t find the right screenshots.

And then find a publisher.

Difficult – Difficult – Lemon – Difficult.

Anyway, I have made the first tiny step by setting up a new Twitter account named @Dave_Fett

With this account, I’ll post links specifically to the funny sci-fi zombie stuff. The idea being that I’d like to get a nice big chunky following who I can make giggle on a daily basis and then go to people “Look, there’s a market for this shit!”. So, please, if you’re a Tweeter, feel free to follow me by clicking on the link above!

Don’t worry, I’ll still post the usual rambling stuff here and at @ArmyofDave It’ll be business as usual. It’s just that I’ll have a way of organising the stuff better.

Any thoughts?


Dave x

My Blank Pages

Well, the car finally blew up. 
But, in an attempt to put a silver-lining on this particularly gloomy cloud, at least I’ve had the day at home to do some writing. Which I have singularly failed to do. 
Double Cock.
And then had some bad news from work. Which I probably can’t talk about.
Cock The Thrice.
I’ve been thinking about this blog and the fact that it’s branched off from talking about screenwriting and into the realm of “arsing about”. Hope you don’t mind being my guinea pigs. I’m quite enjoying the release and the chance to experiment. 
But, yes. Writing. Had more feedback from the producers. “Stuck Between Stations” is now morphing into a 60 minute comedy-drama from it’s original sitcom origins. We’re going for a sort of ‘The Wire, but – y’know – with knob gags’. So, lots of intricate plotting ahead. But all I have right now are a collection of characters and 60 blank pages. 
Oh, dear. I’m watching one of the episodes of ‘Futurama’ that makes me cry. Excuse me. Make that 60 slightly damp pages. 

Reality Bites

Well, the petition didn’t work. Maybe you just don’t believe in William Shatner. Personally, I’m a Shatner-Agnostic. Still, no intervention from deities so I’m going to have to do this off my own back.

I’ve not written in anger in three weeks now. But, there’s a deadline on the horizon. Baby C Due Date is less than two months away. 
And the BBC College of Comedy. I think I meet the criteria to qualify and, with the amount of appalling jokes on this blog, I should probably put my money where my mouth is. 
The only option to get all the things on my list done – and keep some kind of work/life balance. Don’t want to neglect the Better Half or Kids A and B –  is to get that extra hour a day. In the morning. And that’s going to mean getting up at five o’clock. 
But I made this choice to be a writer. Or struggle to be one. Can’t moan about it. Just be warned that I might be grumpy over the next few weeks. 
I’ve made my bed and I’ve got to lie in it…. Mmmmm… Bed….

Onwards And Upwards

Got the feedback from the BBC Writers Room today. Harsh but fair. But mostly harsh.

They couldn’t even bring themselves to call it by the correct title in the letter.
“Hmmm… They normally say nicer things than this when they write to you,” said the Better Half on reading it.
Still, positives to take from this are “confidently written”, “sound sense of visual grammar” (Hah! Take that John Patterson and your “screenwriters don’t understand the visual medium”!) and “commendable attention to detail”. Oh, and “sharp and energetic dialogue”.
So, time to pick myself up, dust myself off and get cracking with the new drafts I’ve been promising myself I’d write. It’s all part of life’s rich pageant.