The Death Guide To Life

I’ve started another blog.

Look, it doesn’t mean I love you any less.

It’s called The Death Guide To Life and you can find it here.

The plan is to group together articles that answer all the Big Questions that Death can help with. They’ll then be put together, expanded upon and published in a book in some way or another.

I would be very grateful if you could pop over, please, have a look and – if the mood takes you – subscribe to it in one of the many ways available to you. Or stick it in your blog roll. Or grab strangers in the street, shake them and shout “Go and read The Death Guide To Life!!!’



Dave x


Jokes Vs. Social Media

2nd April 2002


11th August 2011

Before Twitter and Facebook, you’d come up with a joke about a current event and think “Hmmm. Too soon?”. Now, you come up with a joke and think “Hmmm. Too late?”

I’m still not sure whether the world is ready for that Queen Mum reference, though.

Marketing Me


Well, you’ll be happy/unhappy/ambivalent to know that the Death Twitter account reached its target of 20,000 followers last week and is still growing. I’ll be lying if I said I wasn’t grinning like an idiot when it happened. Thank you one and all. Work on the book proposal is in full swing so – ahem – if you’re a publisher, why not get in touch?

It’s my birthday on Friday and I’m immersed in the annual re-evaluation of my life. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’d rather like to work in the digital arena full time. It’s at times like this that I remember what my father once told me – “Get out of my house!”

Then I remember another time when he told me something more useful. “If you don’t ask, you don’t get”.

Before my English reserve kicks in, let’s run through what my online work has achieved.

Army of Dave has appeared on the websites of BBC News, The Guardian, the Daily Telegraph, and the Times. It was named one of the top 10 UK Comedy Blogs by Cision Media and FHM magazine featured it as a “Website They Quite Like”. I’ve worked with PR companies on digital marketing campaigns and my attempt to sell the entire universe on eBay received over 21,000 hits in 24 hours.

The @Its_Death Twitter account has appeared in ‘Easy Living’ magazine and on the websites of the International Business Times, Metro, Forbes and Time magazine. And sold quite a few tee shirts.

So, a readership of thousands and international media coverage. Imagine what I could do if someone paid me a salary and gave me a marketing budget…

If you think you can help and want to find out what I’ve also been doing professionally for the last 15 years, please click on the ‘Contact Dave’ tab above or email me at and I can provide you with my full CV.

And I always get the coffee and tea in.


All the best


The Perfect Social Networking Site

I’ve signed up for several social network sites now; Twitter, Facebook, Google+, LinkedIn. It is a fact that very little networking goes on and the majority of people use these sites to complain about things. Or complain about people complaining about things. Or complaining about people complaining about the complainer and how the complainer is oppressing the complainer’s right to complain about things.

And pictures of cats in people clothes.  

 So I’ve had an idea for the perfect social networking site.

 You don’t “tweet” or “update” or “finger your ring” (or whatever the hell you do on Google+). You “scream into the ether”.

 I’ve made a mock up of what I envision a typical page (or “Procrastination Station”) to look like. Obviously, the default font is Comic Sans. Just to get the bile rising the second you load up your account.

It’ll  make millions.

Death – The Story So Far

I have toothache. I considered setting fire to my head in order to distract myself from the awful throbbing pain in my jaw, but I decided to write this post instead. Which is the literary equivalent of setting fire to YOUR head.


The Death Twitter Project is going very well. We even – bizarrely – have tee shirts. When I started it in September last year as a research project, I had a fanciful notion of reaching an arbitrary figure of 20,000 followers within 12 months. Death’s follower count currently stands at 19,373.

I’m just a bloke with an unfulfilling office job who likes writing jokes so I find this figure mad and lovely and exciting and I’m grateful to every last one of you who takes time out to read my brain vomit. Even the spambots.

Actually, it’s my birthday on the 12th August. If we could *ahem* reach that arbitrary figure by then, that would be awesome. Thanks.

But enough pathetic attempts to beg for more followers to feed my ego and fill the void where my soul used to be while I wait for Apple to release a new product. What’s Death been up to in the past 10 months?

Tom Cox wrote about Death in ‘Easy Living’ magazine in an article about ‘Funny People to Follow On Twitter’.

Impressive company, I think you’ll agree.

Weirdly, Death made the International Business Times when he was rude about Mick Jagger while a rumour that he’d died swept the interweb.

Death made the top spot in a Forbes magazine list! Disappointingly, it was not the Forbes Rich List, but a list entitled ‘The Top 3 Haters of Coldplay’s New Song’.

If you knew how much I hate Coldplay, you’d understand that topping this list comes pretty close to topping the Rich List.

And this morning, I woke up to this on the Time Magazine website.

Time Magazine? Bwah! Ha! Ha!

The campaign to make Death ‘Time Magazine Demon of the Year’ starts here.

So, what have I done with these pages of esoteric jokes about ‘Schrodinger’s Deal or No Deal’ (“24 boxes. All of which may or may not contain dead cats.”), Sartre’s confusion over Jaffa Cakes and life lessons such as:


I’ve finished a script for a pilot episode for a Death sitcom that I’ve just sent off to my agent for him to weep over and, along with every other writer of a Twitter joke account, I’m – unsurprisingly – sketching out ideas for a book.

So, thanks to everybody who’s joined in with the jokes and who knows where we go from here…?

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and take some more painkillers, rub my tooth with ointment and longingly eye up some pliers….

Dante Has Set Up His Google+ Circles

Books For Four Year Old Feminists

Feminism (n) – The doctrine advocating social, political, dragon slaying and all other rights of women equal to those of men.

 What’s not to like?

 Kid B is currently obsessed with princesses and fairies. Fairies I’m okay with, they’ve got magic’n’shit and ‘Ben & Holly’s Little Kingdom’ is the funniest thing on the telly.

 Princesses, though, traditionally spend a lot of time waiting for a prince to save them. No matter how many times I tell Kid B that she’s a strong, funny, independent princess who is equipped to bloody well save herself, I don’t have the marketing budget of Disney.

 At times like this, I turn to Twitter. It’s like Google, but better because it has more dick jokes. I asked if there were any story books that featured kick ass princesses. Twitter responded awesomely.

 @ginger_wookey asked me to put together a list of the suggestions in one place, so here they are:

‘The Tough Princess’ by Martin Waddell and Patrick Benson

(Suggested by @HCulpin)


‘The Wrestling Princess’ by Judy Corbalis and Helen Craig

(Suggested by @stellawonkey)


‘The Paper Bag Princess’ by Robert Munsch and Michael Martchenko

(Suggested by @Cdn_Tam & @MissUnderscore)


‘Princess Smartypants’ by Babette Cole

(Suggested by @LongJogRoz & @loveitloveit)


‘The Princess & The Dragon’ by Audrey Wood

(Suggested by @chickenprincess)


‘Dealing With Dragons’ by Patricia C. Wrede

(Suggested by @Shepy)

 Thank you to everybody who helped out.

 As a little treat, here is Jonathan Coulton’s song ‘The Princess Who Saved Herself’. With added Amy Pond. Again, what’s not to like? She eats a whole cake!


(The cool princess picture is by  jawboneradio)