The Daily Mail Needs You!

The Daily Mail is currently recruiting journalists for a training course:

“Britain’s most successful newspaper group is offering would-be reporters and writers an exciting and challenging yearlong training course, plus the chance to work at the Daily Mail and Mail Online

We are looking for bright, sharp, intelligent writers who believe they can be fast-tracked to the very top

You’ll be on the best journalism course in the business – and be paid a competitive salary while you train

Successful applicants will probably have completed post-graduate journalism training or had experience working in newspapers.

Apply by February 21, with your CV, 200 words on why you think you could be a Mail journalist, a 200-word news story and a selection of up to six cuttings and send to Sue Ryan, Trainee Reporters’ Scheme, Daily Mail, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry St, London W8 5TT. Please send queries to sue.ryan@dailymail.co.uk”

Steven at Enemies of Reason has put together a witty, intelligent and well-researched application which you can read here. Other bloggers have done the same.

As you know, I don’t do witty, intelligent or – heaven forbid – research, so here’s something I threw together:

Advertisements

Aaargh! An Army of Super Calves!!!

Or is it “1 cloned cow a 100 times over” rather than “100 cloned cows”?

Christ, it’s an ethical and philisophical minefield, isn’t it?

All dramatic headlines are rendered null and void if they feature the phrase “Super Calves”. It sounds like something from the “Ideas Board” of the world’s shittest Bond villain.

Anyway, the Daily Mail has been cloning its own headlines for years and nobody knows what that’s doing to the IQ of its readership.

Zing!

The Daily Mail Embraces The Internet

While looking around the Daily Mail website (I know. I know.), I stumbled upon this interesting item:

Internet Explorer 8? Customised for MailOnline, you say?

The problem is, it all works fine until you try and look at something other than the Mail’s website:

Why I Like Apple

Because they annoy the Daily Mail:

Still, it’s a bit rich for the Mail to accuse people of being smug bores.

I shall now spend the day holding my iPhone very close to my face and pretend I have an iPad.

Scientists Playing God Blah Blah Blah

This morning, I cast my eye over the newspapers while in the garage and saw this:

“I bloody knew it!” I shouted. “I always reckoned Nicole Kidman looked a bit weird and plasticky, but people put it down to the botox. But, no, she was built for Tom Cruise by Scientologists in the underground lab they share with the Lizard People!

‘Maverick Scientist’? Wasn’t Maverick Tom Cruise’s call sign in ‘Top Gun’? It all fits! We’re through the looking glass here, people!”

The other customers tried their best not to make eye contact. Then I realised it was two separate stories:

And apparently Texaco no longer require my custom in any of their retail outlets.

And if any scientists read this, while you’re pissing around with “artificial life”, I am still without a jetpack.

Priorities.

Daily Mail Reveals New Publishing Model

In an age of decreasing revenue and rising production costs, newspaper publishers are constantly looking for new ways to reduce outgoings.

With that in mind, the Daily Mail have stunned industry pundits by announcing that they are to publish the same issue every day.

“They recently realised that they were repeating themselves day-in day-out anyway,” a source close to editor-in-chief Paul Dacre revealed. “So they decided to simply reprint the same copy until the end of time. 

They’ll mix it up a bit. Every now and again they’ll change the word ‘Polish’ to ‘Romanian’, change which food product cures or causes cancer and throw the Taxpayers Alliance a bone.

But – essentially – the whole operation can be run by an intern who knows their way around the ‘Find & Replace’ function in Microsoft Word.

They’re confident that the vast majority of the readership won’t notice a difference. As long as their fears and prejudices are constantly re-affirmed, they’ll be happy as sandboys.

Can I still say that? Or is it offensive to sandboys now?”

Rival publications are monitoring this new business model with interest.

Rumour has it that the Guardian have already lined up the banner headline “The Wire: It’s Still Awesome!” and the Daily Star are considering endless repeats of the Jordan/Peter/Alex triangle.

“One of them is willing to overdose on coke if the price is right,” a Daily Star insider oozed. “I’m not going to say which one. We’ve got to keep some mystery.”

Well, Now I Don’t Know What To Think…