A Guide To An Electronic Life

phoneWelcome to the 21st Century. Unfortunately, it’s not the world full of flying cars and mullets as promised by ‘Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan’ and I have yet to teach any aliens this thing that we humans call a kiss.

But, I hope these handy hints may help you through modern life until we can get our hands on some transporters and Romulan Ale:

1. Got a boring meeting to attend? Why not set your mobile phone to vibrate, pop it in your front trouser pocket and get a friend to phone you every 5 minutes? That should keep you perky during a morning of Powerpoint.

2. The beauty of digital cameras is that you can delete the pictures that aren’t very good. It does not mean that you can take 140 pictures (mostly of people’s backs) of the wedding I attended and then upload ALL of them onto Facebook.

3. If – for example – you’re sat next to me during ‘Shaun of the Dead’, your mobile rings during an important scene and you answer it with “I’m sorry, I can’t talk now. I’m in the cinema”, this gives me the right – nay, duty – to scream “THEN WHY HAVE YOU GOT THE FUCKING THING TURNED ON IN THE FIRST PLACE?” in your face.

Actually, while we’re on the subject, don’t sit behind me during ‘Moon’ and then spend the whole film asking your boyfriend questions like “Who’s that?”, “Why’s he doing that?” and “What’s happening?”. 

I know you’ve probably had your brain melted by 10 series of ‘Big Brother’ and can’t cope with any kind of narrative without a Geordie going “It’s day one thoosand ‘n’ eighty twoo ‘n’ Sam Rockwell is restless”, but give it a chance, hey?

4. If you can afford to buy a Mercedes AND a personalised number plate, why can’t you afford to buy a hands free kit for your mobile? This might help you avoid almost running a small child over in front of my house.

Also, having a personalised number plate with “SLK” on it only works if you actually have a Mercedes SLK. Otherwise, you just look a bit silly.

You can tell it’s a Monday, can’t you?

Do YOU have any handy hints that can make technology work better for us until the robots rise up and become our new overlords?