The Last Post

Look, it’s not you. It’s me.

It’s time to wind down Army of Dave.

I have a plan and, unfortunately, this website doesn’t feature in it.

I thought it only proper that I say goodbye and thank you to everybody who’s read, commented, re-tweeted or shared my ramblings over the last 2 years.

I’ve had fun adventures with cool people that I never would have met without Army of Dave and I’m very grateful for it.

I’m in the process of setting up Aim For The Head, a website for my writing/film-making projects. I should have some pretty exciting news about those projects soon.

I’ll still be blogging elsewhere and news of that will be posted on the new site.

Of course, you can find me on Twitter at @mrdaveturner and I’m still peddling poor quality comedy material at @Its_death and The Death Guide To Life.

It’s been emotional.

Love ya

Dave

Army of Dave (Retired)

x

The Film Geek Pub Crawl

Hello You.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I hope you’re well.

Have I got that multi-million pound book/film deal since I last wrote?

No.

Have I been pissing around on the internet?

Of course.

My Better Half and I are getting married in a few months.

I know. I’m still stunned too.

Traditionally, the bride and groom celebrate the approaching wedding with stag and hen parties.

My Better Half is having a relaxing, sophisticated weekend away in the countryside.

I don’t do relaxing. Or sophisticated. Or the countryside. Not enough boozers there for my liking.

What I like are films, London and pubs.

So, how about a tour of London visiting pubs that have been in films? It’s obvious when you think about it.

I spent many hours researching locations and it was thoroughly depressing to find out that many aren’t around any more.

The Tavistock Arms from ‘Withnail & I’? Bulldozed.

‘The Duke of Albany’, used for exterior shots of the Winchester in ‘Shaun of the Dead’? Apartments.

The Bramley Arms from Quadrophenia and ‘The Lavender Hill Mob’? Gone.

But there are enough left in London to create the following list which I give to you, my fellow beer monsters and booze hounds.

The Windsor Castle

Where?

114 Campden Hill Road, Kensington, London, W8 7AR

Why?

Because it was used in ‘The Good Shepherd’, directed by Robert De Niro, and ‘Sliding Doors’, directed by Joey from Bread.

 

The Hoop and Toy

Where?

34 Thurloe Place, Kensington, London, SW7 2HQ

Why?

It was in Roman Polanski’s ‘Repulsion’. Also, Princess Beatrice drank there. Or was it Eugenie?

Hang on. I’ve just remembered. I don’t care.

 

Scooterworks

Where?

132 Lower Marsh, South Bank, London SE1 7AE

Why?

Because it was in ‘The Bourne Ultimatum’.

It should be noted that Jason Bourne’s real name is – of course – Dave.

 

 

 

 

The Globe

Where?

London Bridge, London, SE1 9AL

Why?

Bridget Jones lived in the flat upstairs in the ground-breaking romantic comedy ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’.

I say ‘ground-breaking’ because it was the first romantic comedy to feature neither romance nor comedy.

 

 

 

The Anchor

Where?

Southwark, London SE1 9EF

Why?

Tom Cruise and Ving Rhames have a pint here at the end of ‘Mission: Impossible’.

Hang on. Are Scientologists allowed to drink? They might have a few too many and say something stupid.

Oh.

Also, Samuel Pepys watched the Great Fire of London from this pub. Which he wrote about in his famous work ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’

The Audley

Where?

41-43 Mount Street  London W1K 2RX

Why?

It was in ‘Match Point’. Your bottom could locate the same space as Scarlett Johansson’s did.

Your chances are probably improved if you’re a girl and you go to the toilet.

Personally, I prefer Woody Allen’s earlier, funnier work.

Nell of Old Drury

Where?

29 Catherine Street, London, WC2B 5JS

Why?

‘Frenzy: To be a bit like an American sitcom about 6 friends with lovely apartments yet don’t seem to go to work to pay for those apartments.

“Have you seen that TV show ‘Coupling’? It’s a bit Frenzy”‘

Personally, I preferred Alfred Hitchcock’s earlier, funnier work.

The Salisbury

Where?

90 St. Martins Lane, Covent Garden, London WC2N 4AP

Why?

It was in the Dirk Bogarde film ‘Victim’. To be honest, I’ve not seen the film. But I’m pretty sure I’ve been in this pub.

You know it’s been a good night when you look at a photo of a pub and say ‘I think I’ve been in there’.

And Marianne Faithful did a photo shoot in there in the 60s.

Marylebone Station

Where?

Harewood Row  Greater London NW1 6

Why?

Because that’s where my train leaves. And there’s a pub inside.

Marylebone is the fame whore of London railway stations. If you see a London railway station in a movie or TV show, it’s probably Marylebone.

In this instance, it was pretending to be Paddington Station in the Beatles movie ‘A Hard Day’s Night’.

Marylebone Station is a lying wanker.

I have also created this Google Map of the route to make your dazed stumbling even easier.

Don’t say I never do anything for you.

Back To The World of Dreams

I am so tired, my eyelashes hurt.

The London Screenwriters’ Festival is over and all I have to show for it is sleep deprivation, a pocket full of other people’s business cards and a devastated bank balance.

Actually, I came away with a lot more.

What have I learned? Well, writers really, really, REALLY like hats.

And I met and caught up with so many smart, funny, kind, passionate people. I’m always staggered by the sense of camaraderie and friendship at these events. There are very few moments in our lives when you can just walk up to a complete stranger and say “Hi! I’m Dave!” without them backing away in a blind panic. (Though, it helps if your name is actually Dave).

Oh, and I *ahem* also picked up a shiny, shiny award:

    

How awesome is that?!

“It goes with your shiny, shiny head!” the Better Half told me.

I think I may have worked out why writers like hats.

Congratulations also to the other screenplay award winner Milethia and Anil, who picked up the film-makers’ award. It couldn’t have happened to two nicer, more talented people.

So, a big thank you to Chris Jones (Again, just a lovely, lovely human being) and all the crew that made the festival possible.

What am I going to do next? I think it’s time to pull a short screenplay out of the drawer, dust it off and go and shoot it. As Chris Jones said “Be heroic. If it doesn’t terrify you, it’s just going down the road to get a pint of milk.” 

Do I have any regrets? One. I was stood in a queue for coffee and Edgar Wright and Joe Cornish were stood next to me, within touching distance. “Should I be the arsehole who asks for a photo? No. Everyone else seems to be playing it cool. I should too.”

I then told this, frankly rubbish, anecdote to several people. Who then showed me their pictures of them stood with Edgar Wright and Joe Cornish.

Bugger.

On the Saturday evening, I managed to sneak the Better Half into a drinks party. “I’ve never been in a room with so many geeks,” she whispered. And I thought “Yeah. These are my people.”

See you in 2012.

Four Nights In August Awesomeness

Remember the screenwriting contest for the London Screenwriters’ Festival?

Remember how there was a film-making contest based on the winning scripts?

Well, click here to gaze in wonder at the entries.

Twenty three bad boys to point your eyes at. I’m completely stunned by the different tones, styles and themes people have brought to the ‘Everything You Need’ party.

A mahoosive thank you and congratulations to all the casts and crews who took my witterings and made Awesomeness with a side order of Epic from them. You’re all winners.

And to everyone going to the London Screenwriters’ Festival, if you see me wandering around Regents College, slack-jawed and befuddled, please come and say hello. It’ll be lovely to see you x

Everything You Need

The London Screenwriters’ Festival is taking place over the weekend of 28th – 30th October. As I’m so poor church mice throw loose change at me, I entered their Four Nights in August screenwriting contest in an attempt to snag a ticket to the event because – well – it’s an awesome place to go.

Bizarrely and brilliantly, my entry ‘Everything You Need’ (jointly) won. Aside from my Blue Peter badge, I’ve never won anything in my life. I can only hope the prize money comes on a big novelty cheque to make everything complete.

I very nearly didn’t enter. I didn’t hear about the contest until the day before the deadline. The idea for the script had popped into my head fully formed, but I didn’t have any time to sit down and write it. So I went to bed thinking “Oh well, I’ll go to the festival next year”.

But I couldn’t stop thinking about the story. After staring at my ceiling for an age, I left the Better Half sleeping and crept out of the bedroom. I typed the script out, a stream of consciousness in the streetlight glow of a midnight suburbia, hit ‘send’ and finally managed to sleep.

But this isn’t the end of the story of ‘Everything You Need’. No, siree.

Now the One Minute Movie Competition starts.

Shoot my script and win stuff.

The judges include Paul Greengrass and Russell Mulcahy.

Yes. You read that right. Paul Greengrass and Russell Mulcahy. The directors of the Bourne sequels and ‘Highlander’.

BLOODY HIGHLANDER.

(I make no secret of the fact that I regard ‘Highlander’ as one of the landmarks of modern cinema).

So, what are you waiting for?

Here’s a copy of my script to download:

Everything You Need

I can’t wait to see what you incredibly talented lot come up with.

Oh. Hello, There

I know I said I wouldn’t leave you, but I’ve been creative over at The Death Guide To Life. I think there might be some funny stuff there.

There are some jokes about sloths. How many websites can claim that? Apart from SlothJokes.com. If you have a couple of minutes, why not have a read? And then stick a link on Facebook/Twitter/Google+/Your blog/Scribble the URL on a toilet wall? I’ll buy you a puppy*.

Hahahah! Stick a link on Google+. See? I’m funny.

Thanks. You’re still my favourite.

*Offer of Puppy Purchase May Not Be Honoured.

The Army of Dave Guide To Parenthood Part 2

A while ago, I wrote a Guide to Parenthood for those with babies. I now feel it is time to pass on some more wisdom.

As Kids A-C have grown older, it has become important for boundaries to be established. My research (Googling ‘If you can hear me, help me Supernanny’) shows that parents should be creating some ‘House Rules’ to be followed.

I have provided the rules I have come up with. Please feel free to help yourself to them and you too will be able to live in the Orwellian state of fear, obedience & silence that I currently enjoy.

The Death Guide To Life

I’ve started another blog.

Look, it doesn’t mean I love you any less.

It’s called The Death Guide To Life and you can find it here.

The plan is to group together articles that answer all the Big Questions that Death can help with. They’ll then be put together, expanded upon and published in a book in some way or another.

I would be very grateful if you could pop over, please, have a look and – if the mood takes you – subscribe to it in one of the many ways available to you. Or stick it in your blog roll. Or grab strangers in the street, shake them and shout “Go and read The Death Guide To Life!!!’

Thanks.

Love

Dave x

Jokes Vs. Social Media

2nd April 2002

 

11th August 2011

Before Twitter and Facebook, you’d come up with a joke about a current event and think “Hmmm. Too soon?”. Now, you come up with a joke and think “Hmmm. Too late?”

I’m still not sure whether the world is ready for that Queen Mum reference, though.

Marketing Me

Hello!

Well, you’ll be happy/unhappy/ambivalent to know that the Death Twitter account reached its target of 20,000 followers last week and is still growing. I’ll be lying if I said I wasn’t grinning like an idiot when it happened. Thank you one and all. Work on the book proposal is in full swing so – ahem – if you’re a publisher, why not get in touch?

It’s my birthday on Friday and I’m immersed in the annual re-evaluation of my life. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’d rather like to work in the digital arena full time. It’s at times like this that I remember what my father once told me – “Get out of my house!”

Then I remember another time when he told me something more useful. “If you don’t ask, you don’t get”.

Before my English reserve kicks in, let’s run through what my online work has achieved.

Army of Dave has appeared on the websites of BBC News, The Guardian, the Daily Telegraph, and the Times. It was named one of the top 10 UK Comedy Blogs by Cision Media and FHM magazine featured it as a “Website They Quite Like”. I’ve worked with PR companies on digital marketing campaigns and my attempt to sell the entire universe on eBay received over 21,000 hits in 24 hours.

The @Its_Death Twitter account has appeared in ‘Easy Living’ magazine and on the websites of the International Business Times, Metro, Forbes and Time magazine. And sold quite a few tee shirts.

So, a readership of thousands and international media coverage. Imagine what I could do if someone paid me a salary and gave me a marketing budget…

If you think you can help and want to find out what I’ve also been doing professionally for the last 15 years, please click on the ‘Contact Dave’ tab above or email me at info@armyofdave.com and I can provide you with my full CV.

And I always get the coffee and tea in.

Thanks

All the best

Dave